Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

23 May 2009

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Monday

Dave wants an estimate. Says he wants us to ‘bottom line it’ for him. This is tricky. We’ve been ringing round constituencies all weekend and seats are coming up all over the place. Jed says we may have to bring in another A list. We’re going to need Cleanskins. More young women and people in their twenties with limited experience of all walks of life. More young women... more young women... Should I stand?!?! Where should I stand?!?! I would need a Surrey seat. But that doesn’t look so impossible any longer. Mr Gove seems to be hanging in. But what about Mr Grayling? Can’t believe I’m thinking like this, but Epsom would be jolly handy. No, I mustn’t do this. But still. No, I must focus on the job in hand. I need to ring Totnes to see if they’re getting rid of nice Mr Steen. Totnes. I would have to relocate Sesame but the riding in Devon would be heavenly. A small market town, pony shows...

Tuesday

With the Speaker gone, dignity and restraint are the watchwords. We must show that we are putting democracy and the future of Parliament first in all things, and not narrow political interest. As such we are going to sit back and let the Speaker election take its course. We will not be interfering or directing our MPs to chose any particular candidate, it is completely up to them. As long as they don’t vote for Little Johnnie Bercow — what a pain he would be! Ditto DD, and Dame Patrick Cormack. Goodness, no one would ever get a word in! But apart from those three, and Biggles Simpson, obviously, our MPs can pick anyone they want. Absolutely anyone. So long as it’s either Sir Alan Haselhurst or Sir George Young, who are clearly the two best candidates for the job and hardly need us to advance their cause by pointing this out all the time, so we won’t.

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