Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

6 June 2009

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Wednesday

Dave in stinky mood. He’s sent round a bad-tempered memo telling us we’re going to do worse than the ‘fruit fakes, goons and closet taxists’. This is v. bad. He only stabs at the keys and types the wrong letters when he’s really angry. Must say, it’s strange to be down in the polls and not have Mr Maude around to gloat. He’s on the list of Banned Persons, along with Mr Mackay and Mr Howard. The more borderline cases are in the Austerity Room sifting through detailed manifesto policy submissions until further notice. Mr Gove, Mr Willetts and Mr Letwin have been in there for a week having the most terrible row about Banding versus Streaming and making strange high-pitched noises Nigel says only bats can hear properly.

Thursday

Have been taken off De-moatification Strategy and put to work in the Alan Johnson Unit. Not terribly challenging. Option one: Dave to become more mockney. Option two: Dave to become less mockney.

Least of our worries really. Dave now becoming totally weird about prospect of doing badly in the Euros. Sent round a memo telling us voters are ‘just jealous’ of his forthcoming big majority. Jed says we might have to put him in the Tranquillity Room. There’s a first time for everything.