Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

13 June 2009

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Monday

What a triumph! Not that we’re complacent. While this is undeniably a resounding victory which paves the way to our impending general election landslide, we are not taking anything for granted. In fact we are mindful that we may still lose. Except that we so obviously won’t! Hooray!!

Now, I must get my head around this ring-round of Euro people. We’re in ‘final negotiations’ — complete and utter panic stations — and Jed’s put a big target grid up on the whiteboard. We’ve got 50 MEPs from three countries but the rules say we need seven. So we’re trying Latvia, Denmark, Belgium, Lithuania and Estonia. For each MEP we bring in we get an extra frappuccino machine token. Tom’s ringing the Danes and Belgians, Poppy’s doing Lithuania and Estonia and I’m doing Latvia. I’ve got a phrasebook. I know how to say hello — ‘Sveiki!’ Now I just have to work out how to say, ‘Please could you come and join us in our breakaway anti-federalist grouping which will challenge the stagnating power blocks of the EU and forge a new era of free market-orientated co-operation.’ Should be able to piece something together...

Tuesday

Confusing memo from Dave saying we’re not to be fooled by Gordon’s survival. ‘Remember, the postman always rings twice.’ Not sure what he means but it sounds jolly spooky. He’s also cross about Sir Alan Sugar and how we don’t have any ‘prime-time celebs’. He says we’ve got till the end of the week to persuade Simon Cowell and Amanda Holden to head up a panel on voter apathy.

Should be easier than persuading the Eastern Europeans to join our new Euro grouping. Honestly, I’ve never come across so many rude people. One of them put the phone down on me today. Good job we’ve got till the end of the month to find allies. It’s getting a bit fraught. Tom’s been put in the Austerity Room for making a bad-taste remark about how we should ask the BNP — ‘They’d get on well with that guy we’ve got from Hungary who wants to lock up gypsies.’ As Jed pointed out as Tom was led away, the rise of fascist parties is not a laughing matter and we will be policing all jokes about it.

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Grumpy Old Man

June 11th, 2009 12:19pm Report this comment

What makes CCHQ think that a Hard-Left Racist party would ever join a centre-right one-nation group?
Get your masters to sit down and watch "The Great Dictator". The way to deal with all socialists is to ridicule them - which is why Billy Hagues speech yesterday was so devastating.

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