Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

20 June 2009

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Monday

Amazing scenes in Iran. An inspiration to us all at this difficult time for the political process that democracy is worth fighting for, and a reminder to all authoritarian regimes of what can happen if you suppress the will of the people. I could watch the footage all day. But unfortunately I have to get on with the arduous task of containing Little Johnnie Bercow’s bid for Speaker. We’ve tried everything, we just don’t seem to be able to keep him down. (Well, further down, anyway!) We’ve told everyone about his former funny right-wing views and his current funny left-wing views. But they don’t seem to mind. Labour MPs think he’s one of them and our lot think it will be good to have a Labour Speaker when Dave is PM. They can’t quite bring themselves to vote for Mrs Beckett because of the caravan thing — nothing a Tory distrusts more than a caravan. But Bercow hates Dave and travels by helicopter. Ticks all the boxes, unfortunately.

Tuesday

We need to find something for Our Leader to throw. Jed says we cannot be complacent about Gordon hurling mobile phones. Passion is important and the word ‘nice’ is coming up far too often in Lord A’s focus groups. (Along with ‘Tintin’ — must get that hairdo sorted.) I suggested the odd cappuccino mug could get flung at the whiteboard but Jed said that would invite speculation that Dave has ditched the modernising agenda. We need to pick something old-fashioned and useless. Which reminded me just in time to take poor Foxy’s lunch to the Tranquillity Room! He’s been ‘in hiding’ there since Mr Lansley’s comments about health spending. I’m astonished no one has managed to find him but people don’t tend to go there any more. Now that we’ve got the Austerity Room with crisps and sweets and daytime TV no one seems to want beanbags and stress scrunchers, so the T Room’s a great place to resolve a spending row. Nigel says we should rename it the Triangulation Room, which everyone found v funny, although I’m not entirely sure why.

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