Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

4 July 2009

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Monday

Terrible panic about second jobs. A lot of our people just cannot get their heads around how they will survive on an MP’s salary once our new rules banning outside earnings kick in. We’ve had to assemble an information pack to help them with the transition. It’s called ‘How to survive on £64,766 a year’ and it’s got lots of good ideas for life on a budget, including where to buy really good parmesan for a fraction of the cost of leading supermarkets like Harrods food hall. Also some great tips for how to cope without access to a helicopter in an emergency and a list of the top 20 best-value fox hunts. I think people are going to find it really useful and it should go a long way to reassuring them that there is life after directorships. It’s just not going to be quite as nice.

Tuesday

Rock on! Dave warning about riots on the streets is totally down with the kids!! The British people will not stand being lied to about spending cuts and if Brown manages to dupe them into voting for him with false promises only to implement savage cuts there will be blood!! Oh yes!!! A slight secondary problem which I can’t quite get my head around is the question of why, specifically, there won’t be riots on the streets when we get in and cut services after promising we wouldn’t. Maybe we will be announcing this later? It’s all jolly complicated but I know it’s well in hand because Wonky Tom keeps scurrying off to the Austerity Room with his calculator and I can hear the squealing noises which Mr Letwin only ever makes when he’s doing subtraction.

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