Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

4 July 2009

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Wednesday

Mr Bercow calls to inform us that the presence of Mr David Cameron is herewith requested in the Speaker’s apartments for the purpose of taking light refreshments and to discuss such issues as pertain to the smooth running of Prime Ministerial Questions. I told him to put a sock in it, as per instructions on the email sent round by Jed entitled ‘If that pompous little tosspot Bercow calls.’ But Mr B seemed to enjoy this and got all excited and said: ‘You will endeavour to mind your language young lady. The public do not like bad grammar and neither do I.’ And was just beginning another great speech about how mine honour was my life or something silly like that when I implemented number three on the set of instructions and slammed the phone down. I think he enjoyed that too because he rang straight back but I didn’t answer. I’ve got better things to do. Like man the Austerity Helpline. We’ve got MPs in tears about having to let chauffeurs go.

Thursday

Oh dear. Huge post bag for Mr Letwin. He does seem to get himself completely misunderstood all the time. When he said voters weren’t the slightest bit interested in policy he wasn’t meaning to suggest they were stupid. No way. What he was trying to do was come up with a justification for why we don’t seem to have many policies. It was purely strategic. I just wish people out there could understand that and not take it all so personally. Anyway, in reality, we do have policies, lots of them: Not to say anything about tax, Not to mention Europe, Not to argue with anyone about climate change, Not to frighten people by talking about spending cuts. It’s all there, if you think about it.