Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

19 January 2008

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

It’s a minefield. I mean, hypothetically speaking, would we have to declare free copies of Guns and Ammo Weekly if DD were to receive such a thing? Would it matter, just for argument’s sake, if Mr Mitchell’s office was being funded almost entirely by the Pony Club? Again, purely hypothetical. I simply ask the question.

Tuesday

Have been thinking a lot about the massive stack of 2008 diaries from a well-known luxury stationers under my desk. Might put them on the list of stuff to be fessed up to, as Jed says.

Everyone in v edgy mood. Jilly from Dave’s office just rushed up to me and asked if I could nip out and buy a packet of Marlboro Lights. Feel this is a bit of a cheek. Asked who they were for and she looked really uncomfortable, then let rip a real shocker. Poor Mrs Spelperson has developed an 80-a-day habit! Jilly says she blames the stress of pretending not to mind about Lord A sending her out to collect his dry-cleaning. Apparently it was all anyone could do to get her off the Lambert & Butlers. Next time I see her am going to tell her about detox wraps. I must say am surprised. She doesn’t smell like a smoker. Maybe she sucks a lot of mints.

Wednesday

DD on the warpath. Stormed into Jed’s office and demanded we do something about Blunkett banging on about social mobility which is ‘all my idea’. This was a big tactical mistake, as now everyone has remembered that DD was supposed to be running a Social Mobility Taskforce and Jed wants to know what it’s been doing all this time. I don’t think the answer can have been terribly convincing. Jed has commissioned a whole team of us to ‘find some shock figures and a load of kids who can’t read an’ all that’.

More bad news at lunchtime. Focaccia and wrap trolley suspended till further notice as part of Dave’s clampdown on perks. Poppy was so furious she knocked on Our Leader’s door to complain, but he was at Wiltons.

Jilly sent me out for two packs of Marlboro Lights. Told me not to say anything to Mrs Spelperson as she doesn’t like to talk about it. Denial is a terrible thing.

Thursday

How strange. Was walking past Dave’s office just now when noticed strong smell of cigarette smoke. Surely he, with his strong views on the matter, is not letting Mrs Spelperson smoke in his office? If so, standards are indeed slipping. No wonder we are up to our necks in sleaze.