Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

Tamzin Lightwater

19 December 2009

Tamzin Lightwater looks back on 2009

January 2009

It was a simpler, more innocent world in those days. An inquiry into Mrs Spelperson paying her nanny with Commons expenses was widely seen to be ‘shocking’. Oh dear me! People hardly knew what sleaze was. Ken Clarke returns to the shadow cabinet in a deal forged by Gids over meatloaf — in a briefing we prepared later! Obama is sworn in with the sort of razzmatazz we are hoping to create for Dave next year, on a larger scale, obviously. And I beat 0 per cent interest rates by closing my savings account and spending all my money on an Hermès handbag!

February

Dave invents Responsible Capitalism and we all vow to buy things only from shops with a Compassionate vision for society. This makes the bagel run v complicated. Snow covers Britain and we issue Snowman Equality Guidelines to ensure our MPs do not just build fat, white ones. Carol Vorderman is made Dave’s Czar for Sums. Ken takes to smoking cigars in the Austerity Room with his feet up on the Ikea coffee table. When he comes out he talks endlessly about free markets so we decide to let him sit in there as much as he wants. Twelve points ahead in the polls, although weirdly voters still trust Gordon more than Dave to run the economy. Dur! Clearly our new policy of failing more people at A-level is bang on.

March

I perfect a technique for scuffing Dave’s brogues as Austerity Chic takes the country by storm! Sam reluctantly agrees to let me do her Louboutins. The recession is now so bad we are warning about deflation and inflation at the same time (although personally I think Gids should stop hedging his bets). We are inundated by defectors as Labour luvvies queue up to get a peerage from us! Gordon hits back by shutting Dave out of a Thatcher portrait-unveiling party. Are we bothered? Ken puts his Hush Puppy in it by claiming we are not going to cut inheritance tax. As he later makes clear, he was referring to an aspiration not to cut it, not a firm pledge. Armed with my new handbag, I go to Boujis and chat up a newly single Prince Harry. (Sadly, it was not to be.)

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