Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

Tamzin Lightwater

19 December 2009

Tamzin Lightwater looks back on 2009

October

Conference in our traditional heartland of Manchester is a triumph after we allow candidates to talk only in their own hotel rooms after they have gone to sleep. Boris entertains everyone with a brilliant comic routine suggesting he would make a better leader — hilarious! Václav Klaus signs the Lisbon Treaty and we can no longer pretend, I mean promise, to offer a referendum. We set up a commission examining the meaning of the word ‘cast iron’. Preps for a TV election debate also hit a snag when Mr Darling demands a live maths competition between him and Gids — ouch! Wife-swapping is all the rage.

November

The Great East Anglian Uprising breaks out and Liz Truss does battle with the beastly Turnip Taleban of Norfolk South West. In the end we smoke them out of their caves — or Elizabethan halls — and a truce is negotiated. But Turnip strongholds continue springing up all over the place. We send Cutie Backup. But the stark truth is — this is a war we cannot win. In the end Dave has to withdraw his all-women shortlists. It is an honourable defeat.

December

We end the year with a healthy dose of Modernisation and Change. In an attempt to de-Etonianise ourselves we decide to shorten everyone’s name. I am to become Tammy Waters, Dave is now Dav. Mrs Spelperson is Cazza. Lord A is Mike. Speaker Bercow is Berc. You get the picture. Happy Christmas.