Diary of a Notting Hill nobody

Tamzin Lightwater

15 May 2010

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the election aftermath

Sunday

Well, that wasn’t so bad, was it?! Ok, we’d have liked the voters to grasp just how brilliant Dave is — if only so I could have knocked back that bottle of champagne with Poppy and Wonky Tom on election night. And I’m sure Gary is feeling a bit embarrassed after calling nice Mr Murdoch to tell him the exit poll was wrong. Oops! But it’s all far from a disaster. I’ve always said those Liberals are such nice people. And the Cabinet Office has put on a lovely spread for our negotiations — mini quiches and everything!! Am charged with making sure a constant stream of cheese sandwiches gets to Mr Hague (and his v edible researcher). But then I’m also ‘looking after’ this freckled, ginger Scottish boy who seems to be quite big on the Lib Dem side. Look at them, they look like the cast of Harry Potter. How difficult can it be for Dave to twist this lot around his little finger? I reckon we’ll have it all wrapped up by Monday. Mr Hague just stormed out and shouted ‘Get DD on the phone! We need him to sedate up the right!’ There’s a thing I never thought we’d hear again. Wonder what on earth they could want him for? Commando tactics, no doubt — to push home our advantage. Dave and Nick have given their bodyguards the slip again and gone off for a bite to eat together! They couldn’t think of a tapas restaurant that deserved to go down in history so they had a pizza in Dave’s office instead. I’ve got the wind turbine company on stand-by, ready to fix up No. 10 for the new coalition. After all, yellow and blue makes green!!

Monday

Evil Gordon finally resigns! There’s me thinking everyone would be happy. But it turns out those weirdy beardies were talking to Labour behind our backs yesterday!! Our crack negotiation team (you know, the geniuses who put the election campaign together) had no idea. Unlike them to miss a trick. Retaliation time. I suggest we don’t give that ginger liberal his Dairylea sandwiches next time around, but everyone says that we’ve got to give the Libs whatever they want. V exciting!! We’re going to offer them AV (whatever that is). DD to be Home Sec and protect us from the ‘right’ (that’s what we call the men in ties). And if that doesn’t buy off backbenchers, Redwood can be Chancellor (nanu nanu!). Jed’s huddled in a corner quietly weeping into a plate of buffet sausage rolls. I don’t get it. A little pact with the Libs, me working on a ‘No to AV!’ campaign (really, really must check what this is), before a pointless referendum on voting reform — what’s not to like?! I think our director of strategy’s just in shock since Dave read him the riot act about wearing shorts during the election campaign. He thinks it’s all Jed’s fault we didn’t get a majority because he frightened voters with his hairy legs. This isn’t California, you know!!!

1 | 2 Next page