Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

12 September 2009

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Wednesday

A lot of people are still asking why we have not completely sacked Little Al Duncan. As I explained previously, Dave has no intention of condemning such a talented player on the sidelines to an aimless life racking up sleazy dollars working for an oil company. As such, a minor role as shadow prisons minister, reflecting on what happens to bad people, is the least we can do to help keep Mr D gainfully employed in something difficult and largely thankless which he will find a little more challenging and fulfilling. And let’s hear no more insinuations that we can’t sack him cos he’d only go public with what he knows. If Mr D knows anything about anything, apart from prisons policy of course, which he’s super clever at, I’d be v surprised indeed!!

Meanwhile we must decide who is to face horrid Nick Griffin on Question Time. Mr Grayling is driving us nuts. He’s already got the projected audience figures and is practising in front of the mirror, according to his wife, who rings to beg us to let him do it or she may have to go to her mother’s. Poor woman. She really ought to speak to Doreen.

Thursday

Memo on outside earnings: ‘Gold, diamonds, oil and private health insurance are not considered helpful. Kindly remember your Compassionate Credentials when accepting directorships, non-executive or otherwise. Yours in anticipation of full compliance, Dave.’ Don’t suppose it will do any good. Now Gids is slashing MPs’ pensions they’re going to need all the outside earnings they can get. We may as well try to stop people making money from wallpaper.