Your Problems Solved

Dear Mary...

Q. We have friends who regularly invite us to dinner. Because I know that they have little appreciation of fine wine, we generally and generously like to bring a bottle of quality wine as a gift, to complement both the meal and the company. However, it is rarely opened and I and indeed others who may be invited find ourselves sitting through an otherwise enjoyable meal drinking an altogether unsuitable offering. I am sure that it would be rude to insist that our bottle be opened, but is there another way to coax our host into allowing us to enjoy the fruits of our labours?
M.G.K., London

A. To circumvent this problem you can telephone, shortly in advance of your arrival, to announce pleasantly your willingness to bring something from your own cellar to complement the fare being served. This will equip you to walk into the house wielding an appropriate bottle (more likely two bottles since most drinkers need at least three glasses of wine per dinner) saying, for example, ‘Here it is — you said you were giving us lamb so I’ve brought a Château so-and-so which goes brilliantly with lamb. Shall I open it for you?’ (You can even bring it pre-opened saying you have chambréd it at home.) For dishes requiring white wine, bring your bottles in ostentatious chilling sacks. In this way you can be fairly sure of being able to consume something ‘suitable’ when you are dining with these people.

Q. With the Easter holidays approaching, can you recommend any after-dinner games suitable for families and friends to play together?
C.B., Aldeburgh

A. Why not play the Water Game? This is suitable for every age group. One of the party becomes Question Master, putting about two tablespoonfuls of water into a glass and standing up holding the glass in menacing fashion. He or she nominates a category, for example ‘vegetables’ or ‘corrupt Labour politicians’. Proceeding round the table in clockwise manner, each guest must shout out a name in the category. The tension mounts as each lap of the table is completed because it is only a matter of time before one of the guests gives the name of the vegetable or politician which the Question Master has already secretly scribbled on a piece of paper. When they do so the water is thrown in their face. The quantity of water makes little impact but the threat of having it in one’s face introduces an element of agreeable fear. The ‘winner’ then becomes the next Question Master.

Q. My cousin recently used my telephone to ring a friend of hers who was on a mobile in Poland at the time. She assured me that she was keeping a tab and would refund me before she left but she forgot. The itemised bill has come in showing a tally of about £60 for this call. What should I do?
B.R., Highgate

A. Next time you see your cousin, act daft and say, ‘Oh by the way, you must tell me what service provider your friend who was in Poland that day uses for her mobile. The bill’s just come in for the call you made to it and it was only £60 for an hour. If you’d been ringing my mobile while I was in Poland, it would have been £120.’ In this way you will jog her memory and repayment will be forthcoming.