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Sunday 27 May 2012

How To Cook A Robin

Wednesday, 23rd December 2009

There’s a story in some of today’s newspapers that evil Cypriots are murdering our robins and eating them. Crucially, for me, it does not say which Cypriots. The Greeks and Turks have the second and third worst cuisines in Europe (the Scotch are at the bottom) and there is not much to choose between them. I have to say I suspect the Greek Cypriots of eating our Robins; it is the sort of thing they would do. I can imagine Archbishop Makarios shoveling songbirds down his gullet, whereas I suspect Rauf Denktash would prefer to stay his stomach with a kebab. These are the sorts of things we should bear in mind whenever the clamour goes up from the Greeks that the Turks are there illegally.

I reckon the stories in the newspapers have been rehashed for Christmas, because in fact it is blackcaps and other warblers which bear the brunt of the colossal Greek appetite, rather than robins. But robins will do just as well, and now is a good time of year to catch these shrill, bad tempered and aggressive creatures. The Cypriot dish is called Ambelopoulia (which sounds more Greek than Turkish to me), and here is my version of it. I think it would make a deliciously festive treat on, say, Boxing Day, when you are sick of turkey. However, you will need to catch your robins on Christmas Day because they must be marinated overnight. Catching them is not too difficult – they are very presumptuous at this time of the year and may approach within grabbing distance. However, best to copy the Cypriots and line a (low lying) tree branch with glue or resin and simply harvest them later. Better still, coat an official RSPB bird feeder with glue or resin. You might find the occasional wren or dunnock in the mix, but no matter, give them to the dog. Wrens have a rather bitter taste.

My recipe, for four people, is intended as a starter; so allow two birds per person.

Ingredients

-- Eight robins, plucked and with the skin cleaned with a damp cloth and rubbed in salt. Leave the intestine intact.
-- Table spoon of olive oil
-- Malden salt
-- Lemon zest
-- Soft butter

For the marinade:

-- The juice from six lemons
-- 2 cloves of garlic, finely chopped
-- Four tablespoons honey
-- Teaspoon of cider vinegar
-- Salt
-- Black Pepper
-- Finely chopped flat leaf parsley
-- Fresh thyme, chopped finely.

Mix the ingredients for the marinade in a Tupperware container. Coat the birds and leave them in the marinade over night, turning a couple of times. The lemon will tenderize the meat.

Next day, shove a kebab skewer or wooden skewer through the arsehole of each bird until it is securely fastened. Wipe the excess marinade from each corpse and rub over a little soft butter. Season with salt and pepper.

Heat the oil in a large heavy bottomed frying pan. When it is quite hot put the birds in the pan, with the skewers resting on the pan edge like the hands of a clock; you will need to turn the birds once every two minutes, ensuring the outside of each robin is crispy and with the suspicion of charring. You cannot beat slightly blackened robin.

Serve on a bed of garlic, chilli and coriander cous-cous, garnished with rocket. Voila.

I hope that this has been helpful. And I hope, too, that you have an absolutely wonderful Christmas. It has been a genuine pleasure debating stuff with you these last few months and long may it continue. I have the horrible feeling I might be back here on Christmas Day when, pissed and bored, I suddenly feel it is the right time to share with you more thoughts on crime statistics and race.

Happy Christmas to you all.

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Peter Jackson

December 23rd, 2009 3:51pm

I can have no respect for a man who eats anything flavoured with coriander

Noa Zrk

December 23rd, 2009 4:02pm

I suspect that this delicious dish is most popular with the multitude of homesick British expatriates anxious for good home cuisine. The despicable foreigners garlic should of course be replaced by delicious chicken stock cubes.
Merry Christmas to you and your family, Rod and thank you for the many thoughtful,whimsical, humourous and passionate pieces on contemporary Britain this year.

Nigel Lashooters

December 23rd, 2009 4:05pm

Any old butter but it must be Maldon Salt...I smell a rat here.

smog robin

December 23rd, 2009 4:07pm

Is finding the arsehole of a robin similar to the biblical eye of the needle through which a camel cannot pass?

Merry Christmas you old goat!

Optimus Prime

December 23rd, 2009 4:18pm

I suspect there'll be quite a few of us here on the 25th too ,equally pissed and just as bored.
Here's wishing you a lovely and tolerant Winterville Rod, keep up the good work.

Little Robin Seacole

December 23rd, 2009 4:40pm

Please don't eat me sire, tis Christmas after all.

cuffleyburgers

December 23rd, 2009 5:39pm

Rod

I love both Greek and Turkish cooking, but I agree abt the deep fried mars bars washed down with Irnbrew.

Thanks for the recipe advice...

EC

December 23rd, 2009 6:17pm

Rod,

May I suggest a precautionary and copious consumption of spirits, pre and post prandial, lest the 'full bore' festive robins attract an unwanted, possibly nocturnal, visitation of a flock of sparrows.

Bon appétit!

Hugh Janus

December 23rd, 2009 7:15pm

Before marinating the birds in a tupperware container should We ensure that they are alive or dead? Is it necessary to pluck the beasts before doing this?
Sounds delicious. Wonder if it works for budgies too.

Fabian the Fabulous

December 23rd, 2009 8:28pm

Inspiring stuff, but for me it's always the traditional method, as recalled in that charming Saturnalian song: "Robins roasting on an open fire,
Jackdaws nipping at your nose, etc..."

May I wish you a happy and holy Christmas, as my old Primary school head (she was a cathlic nun) used to wish us.

daniel maris

December 23rd, 2009 10:51pm

No bird more friendly than the Robin, though its love of human beings is rather worm-orientated.

My old dad formed a very close working relationship with a one legged thrush glad of his help against the forces of evolution.

Crows are my favourite. So intelligent and inventive.

kiwi

December 23rd, 2009 11:03pm

My father was born in Ayrshire and always referred to his fellow countrymen as "Scotch". Never once heard him say "Scottish".

So good for you, Rod Liddle.

As for the robin thing, it's summer down here and that sounds more like a winter dish. I'll wait until July and try it on a tui.

Baron Pipin II

December 23rd, 2009 11:25pm

Serves the bloody robins well. They’ve been around for long enough to forge an alliance with more powerful species and fight the bird eaters.

Vivere militare est, my little feathered friends.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and the 365 days that follow to you all.

JohnBUK

December 24th, 2009 1:14am

I think you've missed a trick here. A dash of fine South African Pinotage before you start (just above room temperature). Some more sprinkled lightly with the marinade ( but not too much) and then the rest of the bottle during the meal. Obviously check the street outside first for government lackies just in case.
Bon appetite!

Sir Toby Belch

December 24th, 2009 1:15am

Baron- Did you notice that the last tiger in China has been consumed?

Herbert Thornton

December 24th, 2009 1:21am

What, Rod, no baked-in-a-pie recipe?

Or would it have been tactless to recommend one containing four and twenty blackbirds?

toby forward

December 24th, 2009 8:06am

I'm pleased to see that people are beginning to ignore the ridiculous use of 'scots' and 'scottish' and reverting to the more correct 'scotch', for all matters North British. As I've pointed out before on this blog, if Robert Burns(who was a scotchman) was happy to call himself this it can't be wrong.

Dave B

December 24th, 2009 8:44am

Thanks for the recipe, I'll use it my next TV show

Happy Xmas
Heston

Paul B

December 24th, 2009 9:02am

Personally, I prefer tempura battered kitten nuggets, with a sweet chili dip. Plentiful, cheap and sustainable.

Baron

December 24th, 2009 9:42am

Sir Toby: I’ve missed the tiger eating feast, but many years back, in the deep south of what used to be the Tajik bit of the mighty USSR I nibbled, rather drunk I must say, the raw brain of a monkey; didn’t taste that bad, you know.

My loyal servant Snowman is keen telling everyone who’d listen a rather silly story from the country of the bird eating folk. A man enters a shop selling rare robins, asks ‘how much for the most expensive one, roasted gently’, and is told ninety five quid. ‘OK, go ahead’, he commands. When the roasting is over, the man confirms the order: ‘Right, cut me a fiver worth, please’.

Roger Beaumont, Bhutan

December 24th, 2009 11:37am

Nice one Rod. May your irreverance, insight, humour and sheer bloody mindedness keep us amused and on our toes for years to come. Happy Christmas to you too...

workie ticket

December 24th, 2009 3:12pm

Paul B @ 9:02

Thanks for the idea. Next door has a free range one which will be an ideal Boxing Day al-fresco tea-time snack.

Merry Christmas to all who worship at the cult of seacole.

George Liddell

December 24th, 2009 3:35pm

Scotch? SSSCCCCOTCHHHH!

Nope, doesn't sound right. I was born in Ayrshire, so was my Grandad and if he said Scotch it was prior to a session.
Rabbie Burns was a poet, so he gets artistic license.

Liddle....don't get me started on spelling

Coeur de Seacole Lion

December 24th, 2009 4:01pm

Our robin is 'confiding' as the bird books say and I would hate to eat it.
But,Rod if I were Harriet Harman I'd go retreat to a convent or shoot myself. So keep plugging away in 2010

daniel maris

December 24th, 2009 11:03pm

Toby Forward -

I find use of Scotch is very good at annoying the Scotch and let's face it most of the time the Scotch deserve to be annoyed.

It wasn't so long ago they used to virtually ignore Christmas and save their celebrations for Hogmanay. So I am not even sure it's in order to wish them a Merry Christmas.

Kokowretched

December 25th, 2009 12:12pm

They both eat sheep's entrails -- a passport to weakening one's own bowels for a week in my experience.
Gentleman, it is not Scottish or "Scotch" (except when coupled with "egg" or "mist", but "Scots" (adjectival use.)

Russell Seitz

December 25th, 2009 1:29pm

It doesn't take a swivel-eyed maniac to conclude that Cypriotes potting robins on Christmas figure in the fall off in Boxing Day shoot bags.

Kevyn Bodman

December 25th, 2009 4:25pm

I'm currently reading 'The Thirty-Nine Steps',published in 1915.
John Buchan refers to Scotch people.

Herbert Thornton

December 25th, 2009 5:51pm

Toby forward - with a few exceptions, I don't have any strong feelings about the use of Scots Scottish and Scotch.

Among the exceptions are "Mary, Queen of Scots", "Scottish Highlands" and "a double Scotch please".

If I heard anybody use either of the other two forms in those expressions I would suspect that English wasn't his first language...

Lungfish

December 25th, 2009 6:38pm

Kevyn-I also read the 39 Steps again this year- One of my favourites.

kiwi

December 25th, 2009 8:36pm

In John Masefield's excellent work on Shakespeare he refers to there being a number of Scotch or Scotchmen (can't put my hand on the book at the moment) in London at the time Macbeth was written. I'll put the Poet Laureate's endorsement alongside Burns' use of Scotch as my final arbiter.

My old man did tell me that there were in his village a few would-be members of the upper class who pronounced "house" as "hice" among other affectations. No doubt these people considered themselves Scots. But the stonemason's son was in no doubt he and his friends were Scotch.

A. MacAulay

December 26th, 2009 11:24am

Denial Maris, thank you for your Northward vaunted Christmas cracker. Christmas is indeed a feast introduced to Scotland, not so much by idolatrous 'pisky Bishop lovers but by the same consumerism that has now plastered the planet with Santas.

Hogmanay is a feast of blessing on the home and a fine thing. You English could learn something from it.

And you are quite right about crows the most sociable of birds, the last to go to bed at night and the last to get up in the morning.

So, Sassenachs all: A Happy New Year, and lang may your lums reek.

makarios

December 26th, 2009 8:41pm

Did as you instructed - to the letter. Leaving the intestines where they grew due to natural selection is a mistake. Many sick guests. And while we had eighteen people instead of the four in your recipe example, increasing the ingredients as required was not the problem. Poop is not healthy and you, as a respected writer should be more careful.

As I have built up an immunity to poop over the years, I was not one of the sick and thoroughly enjoyed the little buggers. Hating Robins with a passion led to the enjoyment, I suspect.

Jim Strother

December 27th, 2009 11:23pm

er, how can these foreigners be eating our robins when robins don't emigrate? Or are you suggesting there is a booming export business....I think we should be told

TST

December 31st, 2009 4:29pm

Whilst I find that I usually agree with many points that you make, and of course laugh like a drain at your way with words, I am a little disappointed that you have succumbed to the PC brigade with your salutation "Happy" Christmas rather than "Merry" Christmas.
You will be wishing everyone Happy Holidays before long!

Lungfish

January 1st, 2010 4:06am

Kevyn- read 'The Three Hostages' - You have to put Buchan in context but he kind of invented the 'thriller'.

Pete

January 4th, 2010 6:11am

Trust me Rod, its the Greek side and do not go thinking they only use the "sticky stick" method. They were all out this morning blasting hell out of anything that moves with their shotguns! They seem to have no conception of the custom of being quiet on New Years Day as we ex-pats have hangovers!

Jerry Jolly

January 13th, 2010 6:13pm

I always thought you were an idiot and this only serves to confirm it. You probably think this is funny but it isn't.

possum

December 1st, 2010 10:32am

Finland i believe ranks lowest in eurasian cuisine. now im sure ive angered a Finn. why are some of us relegating greater status to songbirds than other feathered omnivores? all avians are edible (as long as we enjoy their flavour) and harvested moderately there should be no controversy as to their consumption. mass poaching/hunting and cruelty for the sake of profit is certainly deplorable, yet i enjoy and indulge in the breast of the thrush (robin redbreast) equally as the dove,squab,quail,chuckar,poussin,capon. screw con agra, tyson and kfc. afterthought - commentor hugh janus has a churlish handle - wondering which type of budgie he's referring to (anyone in australia care to comment?)

Cat Vincent

October 19th, 2011 1:11pm

maybe this is supposed to be funny, but believe me it is NOT. It is sick, stupid, crass, and takes no account for the fact that some of the species you catch may be endangered, or feeding young,or about to migrate to Africa wher we really are trying to wipe out this kind of pathetic nonsense.Has it occurred to your (obviously tiny)braid that even if this is meant as a joke some impressionable clever clogs kids will actually get out in the garden and cover twigs or strings with glue , 'just for fun'.??? You make me so angry.