Bad films. Bad, bad films.
The two most discerning film critics I know - they work as a team - are Alex and Harry Solomons. That they are my nephews is irrelevant. They have impeccable judgement, and are regulars at their local cinemas.
They saw Pirates of the Caribbean last weekend, and their strongly expressed view is that it is the worst film they have ever seen. You have been warned.
They have, however, not seen The Family Stone, which is the worst film ever made - a film so nauseatingly, formulaicly cloying that, as I was watching it, I would happily have committed an act of violence on the person of anyone involved with the film.
And while we're on the subject of the worst films ever made, here's a trivia quiz. Which actress has been in two of the 3 worst films ever made?
The films are - as if you need me to tell you! - A Stranger Among Us and Shining Through.
The answer:
Melanie Griffith.
A Stranger Among Us was so preposterously stupid, and so shockingly badly acted, that I spent the entire film in a mix of embarrassed laughter and awe-struck admiration that such drivel could ever have been contemplated by a studio. Ms Griffith plays a NYPD detective (that alone would be enough to make the film preposterous) who goes undercover into the NYC Hasidic community to hunt down a murderer and falls in love with the rabbi.
Let me run that by you again, since the human brain cannot absorb such a concept in one go. Melanie Griffith - Melanie Griffith! - plays a NYPD cop who goes undercover as a Hasidic Jew, no one notices she isn't entirely kosher, and she and the rabbi get to make beautiful klezmer together.
The other film, Shining Through, is a Nazi double, triple, quadruple, I lost countuple 'thriller' in which she starred with Michael Douglas and was so mind-numbingly dull that when I realised, some half an hour into it, that I left my oven on, walked home to turn it off, walked back to the cinema, turned to my friend and asked 'what's happened?', she replied: 'nothing'.
There can, of course, be no debate as to these three worst films ever made. But if you have contenders for spots 4 or up, do please post a comment.
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matthew d'ancona
May 30th, 2007 12:08pmActually, I quite liked the Family Stone. But SP is invariably right about movies, so now I'm worried that I should have hated it.
Bob Doney
May 30th, 2007 12:14pmNot sure if it's the worst, but it's the one I "get" the least: Black Narcissus. I've tried, I've really tried...
CityBlue
May 30th, 2007 12:23pmJoe and the Volcano, The Hudsucker Proxy, I could go on...
Pete Snow
May 30th, 2007 12:40pmAs the saying goes - "Anything too stupid to be spoken is sung". For that reason alone, the worst film ever has to be The Wall, which is a staggering dull translation of the lyrics of Pink Floyd into images.
Joshua
May 30th, 2007 6:44pmDeath To Zion! – A joint BBC/Guardian/Hamas/Ahmadinejad production. Director: John Pilger. Writers: Noam Chomsky/Robert Faurisson/Robert Fisk. Starring: Vanessa Redgrave/Alexai Sayle/Simon Callow/Miriam Margolis. Costumes: Vivienne Westwood. Best Boy: Neil Clark.
KevinQC
May 30th, 2007 11:53pmThe Age of Innocence, A.I., and Bicentennial Man These three movies have one thing in common: just when you thought they were about to end...the badness continued...
matthew d'ancona
May 31st, 2007 9:44amKeep trying with Black Narcissus, Bob
Joshua
May 31st, 2007 10:25amChristopher Smith of the Bangor Daily News writes: 'Go ahead--throw the first stone. Throw it right at the screen. Take aim, wind up, and let the rocks rip. "The Family Stone" deserves it. In this unrelentingly fake, cloying new dramedy, not one character is likable, particularly Sarah Jessica Parker's Meredith, who is so rigid and controlling, so self-involved and self-centered, that she bullies the screen with a cloud of pinched gloom that sinks an already shaky production.'
Simon Chapman
May 31st, 2007 11:09amDid your nephews see Pirates 2? That was much worse than Pirates 3. Pirates 3 made no bones about being hopelessly over the top - like a comic opera on speed. I enjoyed it much more than I expected.
Ross
May 31st, 2007 12:03pmThe two worst films that I've seen in the last couple of years were a tedious Sean Penn movie, "It's All About Love" which was manage to combine being preposterous with being dull. It was a combination of really bad fantasy, inept romance and a French director. The other one is 'Sin City' which was simply moronic. No plot, no characterisation, no point.