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Taking the piss

Monday, 9th June 2008

Here's a joke with which to start the week, from Sir Clement Freud's wonderful Racing Post column:

The Inland Revenue decide to audit Cyril, summon him to their office for an appointment with their most thorough auditor, who is not surprised when Cyril arrives with his solicitor.

The auditor says: “Sir, you cannot deny that you have an extravagant lifestyle, no full-time employment, and pay no taxes on the grounds of your contention that you win money gambling. I have to tell you that Her Majesty’s Customs and Excise finds that explanation difficult to believe.”

“I am a great gambler and can prove it,” says Cyril. “Would you like a demonstration?”

The auditor considers this for a moment and agrees. Cyril says: “I bet you a thousand pounds I can bite my own eye.” The auditor thinks for a while, finally says: “It’s a bet.”

Cyril removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor looks sick.

“I’ll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye,” says Cyril. The auditor can tell Cyril isn’t blind, so he accepts the bet. Cyril removes his false teeth and bites the good eye.

The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost £3,000, with Cyril’s solicitor as a witness; he gets very nervous. “Double or nothing?” Cyril says. “I’ll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on the righthand side of your desk and piss into the bin on the far side without getting one drop anywhere between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now but examines the proposal carefully. Cyril is not a tall man, the desk is eight foot wide; he decides there is simply no way Cyril could do that, so he agrees again.

Cyril stands at the side of the desk, unzips his trousers, strains for all he is worth but cannot make the stream reach the bin on the far side, and finishes up having urinated pretty well all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a sizeable win, then notices that Cyril’s solicitor is moaning, with his head in his hands. “Are you okay?” asks the auditor.

“Not really,” says the solicitor. “This morning, when Cyril told me he had been summoned to this audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here, piss all over your desk and you would be happy about it . . . and I took the bet.”

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Verity

June 9th, 2008 1:44pm

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

It's already gone off around the world!

Frank Pulley

June 9th, 2008 2:10pm

I'll bet he was talking about Cyril Stein; he was a bookmaker who did that several times in his life, one way and another (metaphorically speaking, of course).

Frank Pulley

June 9th, 2008 2:16pm

Mind you, Cyril Stein not only had two good eyes, both of them open lest Old Bill should approach, but a couple in the back of his head, too, so perhaps not! And none of his lawyers would have risked a bet with him, they all made sure they were 'in funds' before they donned their wigs, too.

Commondog

June 9th, 2008 6:18pm

Brilliant. More please.

London Calling

June 9th, 2008 10:52pm

I bet you 42 Million pounds that all the Labour rebels have sore elbows from all the arm twisting by Jaqui Smith to get them to support the 42 day detention for suspected terrorist this coming Wednesday.

I Win, I Win....:0

Paypal or Cheque will be fine...