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Friday 9 January 2009

A daunting experience

Tom Hollander’s first meeting with a theatrical agent didn’t turn out quite how he expected

As he stood up and came round the side of his desk I saw for the first time that he was short. Shorter than me. Child-sized. He grinned and pumped my hand. ‘I’ll call you very soon.’

Clearly, we had a natural affinity and together we would conquer the world. He would be the architect and strategist of the campaign to make me famous. And in time I would bestride the globe. Like a Colossus.

‘Don’t chew the side of your mouth like that. It’ll lose you work.’

‘Oh, sorry, I didn’t know I was.’

‘People won’t like it. It looks weak.’

I felt weak. But I loved this man because I knew he could make me strong.

There then followed sleepless nights in which my heart pounded with joy at the prospect of my new life. My place in the firmament of the acting élite was clearly assured. I had Superagent on my side. I was clearly going to be fast-tracked past the queues of the less talented and the less deserving and into the VIP lounge of Air Showbiz. Where I would be led to the complimentary massage area and be rubbed with oils by Mistress Celebrity.

What actually followed was about a year and a half working in Hamleys as a toy demonstrator. Every day at about 11.30 a.m. I would leave my post and call Michael’s office from the in-store phone in the teddy-bear section.

‘Get off the phone.’

‘Oh, is that Michael? It’s Tom Hollander.’

‘I know who it is.’

‘I was just wondering if there might be any...auditions that I er...’

‘Thomas. If I get anything for you I will call you up and leave you a message about it. Do you understand that?’

‘Um...yes...I do...it’s just that when I first came to meet you, I thought that...’

‘Listen to me.’ Now he shouted as usual. ‘Do you know how many clients I have?’

‘Um...no.’

‘A lot. If every one of them rang me up every day, do you understand what that would be like for me?’

‘Er... No...But...’

‘It would be a f****** nightmare.’

‘Right.’

‘You. Have. Got. To. Stop. Calling. Me. Every. F******. Day.’

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