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Not for terrestrials

Deborah Ross

Wednesday, 30th July 2008

The X-Files: I Want to Believe
15, Nationwide

OK, straight to the point, because we are busy people, right? And when we are not busy we are pretending to be busy, right? So, The X-Files: I Want to Believe, worth your time? No. As it is, it’s 104 minutes that I won’t be getting back. Just think: 104 minutes. I could have done a lot of pretending to be busy in that time. I could have done a lot of ‘Not now! I’ve got a deadline!’ while making typing noises with one hand and leafing though the Boden catalogue with the other. Do we like Boden? I don’t know. Sometimes I think I’m just not ‘sassy’ enough.

Anyway, I should, I suppose, confess that I never particularly cared for the popular TV series on which the movie is based. In fact, the nine seasons of it pretty much passed me by, probably because it was always billed as ‘sci-fi’ and I only have to get a sniff of sci-fi, and I’m off. I am very terrestrial in this way. Still, none of this should matter. According to Chris Carter, the series creator who also wrote, directed and produced this, an understanding of the series’ mythology is not a prerequisite. ‘This is a real stand-alone movie,’ he says in the press notes. ‘If the show hadn’t existed, this is a story that would have found its way to the big screen.’ Well, if he wants to believe that, let him believe it. Do I have time to argue? Do I even have the ‘sass’? It’s rubbish, though.

OK, I know the basics. The X-Files is about two FBI agents, Mulder (David Duchovny) and Scully (Gillian Anderson), who are assigned to investigate unsolved cases within the Bureau; cases that often involve the paranormal, the supernatural and the inexplicable. Perhaps the TV series was as good and entertaining as it was popular, but this is so terrible it’s not even quite fun (like Mamma Mia, say); it’s just terrible. It’s muddled, confusing, contrived, suspense-free, utterly pointless and, for the most part, boring as hell. My dears, it’s The Zzz-Files, fit only for Zzz-ing, which you can do in spades. You won’t miss anything, I promise.

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Andreas

August 5th, 2008 2:26pm

Why send some feinschmecker zombie to review a "sci-fi" movie when she obviously has decided beforehand?

Articles, even movie reviews, should be written for the readers not the critics.

laurie macdonell-sanchez

August 6th, 2008 4:16pm

I HAVE TO BELIEVE that this movie was an embarrassing & implausible patchwork of a plot punctuated by moments of gratuitous grisliness & relentlessly stone-faced acting. In true Hollywood tradition, the Catholic Church acted as scapegoat with the meany-baddie being the "normal" hospital-administrator priest & the anti-hero being the semi-stigmatic but wholly stigmatized gay priest (actually not a garden variety pedophile based on his "history" as spat out by Scully). As for plopping Russians into the plot, I'm still trying to figure out to which segment of the viewing masses the screenwriters/ producers thought they were pandering. However, many of the former denizens of the Soviet Union who've made it in droves to Western shores haven't endeared themselves by turning their new-found "opportunity" into white slavery rings to supply strip clubs & brothels; hacking/ID theft; commercial fraud & vulgar shakedowns; plus a thriving world market in human organs. And yes, those grungy teeth were unfair. Soviet dentistry USED to mean steel teeth, front & back, for the unwashed masses, IF they were lucky. However, the highly mobile new "Russian" gazillionaires have been sporting pricey veneers for a couple of decades now.

Food for thought

Simon Hoggart

My favourite programme last week was France on a Plate (BBC4, Sunday) in which Dr Andrew Hussey investigated the link between gastronomy and la gloire; French glory and destiny.