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Sunday 7 September 2008

Christmas funny books

Stocking fillers

Although it has been rendered useless by evolution, contrary to popular belief the humble ant does have an arsehole. It is, in fact, the smallest orifice in any known creature … The sound of an ant breaking wind has been recorded as the lowest decibel-level achievable in nature. (Prof. Humbert Unself created a fake ant entirely from porcelain which emitted a quieter one.)

The enjoyable pretence is that the questions are asked in a magazine called The Old Git, sometimes with several different answers offered by imaginary readers with spoof names. Some of the answers are teasingly long, others laconic, such as ‘Is it possible to bore someone to death?’ It depends how big the drill is.

Among the answers that meander on, divertingly, is that to ‘Are there any undiscovered colours?’, which begins like this:

I have been furiously mixing paints ever since this question appeared in last month’s issue, and am astonished and proud beyond measure to be able to announce that I have discovered what I believe to be an entirely new colour. By mixing blue paint and red paint, I have come up with a wonderfully rich, regal hybrid that is somehow warmer and more mellow than blue, and cooler and more elegant than red…

As you will have noticed, some of the answers are on the ribald side: they may not be to the taste of Great-Aunt Dulcie. Here are two rival answers to the question, ‘Are “crabs” related to crabs?’

I’m sure that a biologist would say ‘no’. However, when my husband returned with ‘crabs’ from his annual work conference in Eastbourne, I can report that he moved sideways rapidly, turned red and screamed when the pan of boiling water hit him, so perhaps they’re not so different after all.

(Emily Drinkwell, Dover).

I have no idea about the natural history of crabs, but I would like fellow readers to learn from my terrible mistake, which ruined my sister’s wedding day. For the record, ‘crab paste’ from the chemist’s is intended to be smeared on your crotch, to kill pubic lice. ‘Crab paste’ from the supermarket tastes considerably better in sandwiches.

(Casey Fink, Vancouver).

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