In which Mrs Young reveals some very bad news that turns out to be very good
Toby Young contemplates life with four children
‘What?!? You’re kidding. How did that happen? I mean, I know how it happened, but ...oh Jesus.’
To put this in perspective, we already have three children, all born since 2003. Indeed, the latest arrived six months ago. Add another to that list and we’ll have four under five. I used to joke that Caroline and I had gone from being Dinkies (Double Income No Kids) to Sitcoms (Single Income Two Kids Overextended Mortgage) in the space of 19 months, but that now seems like a model of financial prudence compared to the leap from two kids to four in less than a year. Where on earth are we going to put them?
When I calmed down, I began to realise that there might be some benefits to becoming Acton’s answer to the Waltons. For one thing, I needn’t worry any more about how I’m going to afford to educate my offspring. Sending four children to fee-paying schools is clearly out of the question so they’ll just have to go to the local comp. Then there’s the money I’ll save by not going on exotic foreign holidays every summer. From now on, it’s two weeks in Bognor in a camper van for the Youngs.
Come to think of it, having another child may be the perfect solution to my chronic status anxiety. When I only had three children, the possibility of earning enough money to keep up with my more successful married friends was just about imaginable. For instance, I could fantasise about being given an astrology column on the Daily Mail. Now, even that amazing stroke of good fortune wouldn’t be enough to make a dent in my weekly outgoings. Short of winning the Lottery, there is no change in my circumstances that would make it possible for me to remain a member of the middle classes. On the contrary, I can now resign myself to the inevitable drift downwards, eventually taking my place among the lumpen proletariat.
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D Mill
January 18th, 2008 11:55amAh, you almost managed it - writing a column without mentioning Oxford. But it snuck in there at the end. Do you think that you'll forget you went there yourself unless you keep mentioning it? GET OVER IT, MAN!
Ann Taylor
January 18th, 2008 12:20pmWelcome to the real world Toby! We have 3 children and couldn't possible contemplate educating them privately. And why should we? We pay plenty of tax so that they can be educated by the state. They receive an excellent education and understand how the real world works already. They don't have to steal cars or wallets and will become productive members of society. Move out of London and get real!!
John T
January 18th, 2008 12:57pmToby - You're very blessed. Personally I'm sickened by the clever-clogs control freaks who make sure the wife has grabbed that fantastic new promotion to a job she's no intention of doing, and they've carefully scheduled in the extended winter skiing hol and wealthy Great-Aunt Frieda has visited from LA, before the house is messed up with kids. How to make God laugh? Tell Him your plans.
Kate Pitrone
January 18th, 2008 2:29pmWe had six children. The last three sneaked around our attempts at birth control. We home schooled when the educational alternatives looked bleak. "Might as well," I said, "Who could work with this lot to deal with." and it was good. Congratulations!
clarethegardener
January 18th, 2008 3:43pmYou're so lucky Toby. I always wanted 4 but only managed two but children are much more interesting than money and you'll have lots of choice of homes in your old age.
Susie, in NZ (I claim to be your most geographically distant reader)
January 19th, 2008 6:23amYou don't know how lucky you are - yet, but perhaps it's gradually sinking in.
Lucky you, lucky Mrs Young, and the three wee youngs .....
Hope all goes well for the lot of you. Book yourself in for a snip 4 months after the newest's arrival, Toby.
Pia Santos
January 20th, 2008 3:25amDon't be silly Toby, children are a blessing. You'll manage. Congratulations to you and your wife.
Phil Blackman
January 20th, 2008 8:03pmAs in Monty Python's Meaning of Life you could, perhaps, sell them for scientific research.
hillcrestboy
January 21st, 2008 6:53pmGood to see that TY is going to be forced to educate his kids using the systems his father and others foisted on the rest of us. Welcome to the meritocracy.
Michael Conway
January 26th, 2008 8:27pmMany congratulations, Toby. Marriage, four children - we'll make a Catholic out of you yet. (No doubt, when the children come of school age). Kind regards and auld lang syne from Punch days, Mike.