In which Mrs Young reveals some very bad news that turns out to be very good
Toby Young contemplates life with four children
Given how many children I will soon have, there may be an argument for stopping work altogether and living on benefits. It could be a good career move. In a recent piece in the Guardian on the future of the novel, the author Giles Foden wrote that ‘the most interesting material tends to come from the cultural periphery’ and cited Zadie Smith’s White Teeth as an example. ‘What is needed now,’ he concluded, ‘is a novelist from the underclass.’ Maybe I could be that man. I might even apply to appear on the Conservative party’s approved list of parliamentary candidates. In my previous incarnation as an educated, white, middle-class male I wouldn’t have had a hope, but as an unemployed father-of-four I may be in with a chance.
The ridiculous thing about this sudden reversal of fortune is that it runs so counter to the popular view of men with large families. The reaction of my friends on learning that my wife is pregnant again has been to congratulate me on the absurd grounds that a fourth child is a highly desirable ‘status symbol’. They point out that only the very rich can afford to have so many children, so my Oxford contemporaries will assume I’m doing incredibly well. Unfortunately, the illusion will be shattered when my children stop them in the street and relieve them of their wallets at knifepoint.
At least in Acton my progeny will receive a crash-course in such life skills. Thank God I’ve left the leafy suburban arcadia of Shepherd’s Bush behind.
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D Mill
January 18th, 2008 11:55amAh, you almost managed it - writing a column without mentioning Oxford. But it snuck in there at the end. Do you think that you'll forget you went there yourself unless you keep mentioning it? GET OVER IT, MAN!
Ann Taylor
January 18th, 2008 12:20pmWelcome to the real world Toby! We have 3 children and couldn't possible contemplate educating them privately. And why should we? We pay plenty of tax so that they can be educated by the state. They receive an excellent education and understand how the real world works already. They don't have to steal cars or wallets and will become productive members of society. Move out of London and get real!!
John T
January 18th, 2008 12:57pmToby - You're very blessed. Personally I'm sickened by the clever-clogs control freaks who make sure the wife has grabbed that fantastic new promotion to a job she's no intention of doing, and they've carefully scheduled in the extended winter skiing hol and wealthy Great-Aunt Frieda has visited from LA, before the house is messed up with kids. How to make God laugh? Tell Him your plans.
Kate Pitrone
January 18th, 2008 2:29pmWe had six children. The last three sneaked around our attempts at birth control. We home schooled when the educational alternatives looked bleak. "Might as well," I said, "Who could work with this lot to deal with." and it was good. Congratulations!
clarethegardener
January 18th, 2008 3:43pmYou're so lucky Toby. I always wanted 4 but only managed two but children are much more interesting than money and you'll have lots of choice of homes in your old age.
Susie, in NZ (I claim to be your most geographically distant reader)
January 19th, 2008 6:23amYou don't know how lucky you are - yet, but perhaps it's gradually sinking in.
Lucky you, lucky Mrs Young, and the three wee youngs .....
Hope all goes well for the lot of you. Book yourself in for a snip 4 months after the newest's arrival, Toby.
Pia Santos
January 20th, 2008 3:25amDon't be silly Toby, children are a blessing. You'll manage. Congratulations to you and your wife.
Phil Blackman
January 20th, 2008 8:03pmAs in Monty Python's Meaning of Life you could, perhaps, sell them for scientific research.
hillcrestboy
January 21st, 2008 6:53pmGood to see that TY is going to be forced to educate his kids using the systems his father and others foisted on the rest of us. Welcome to the meritocracy.
Michael Conway
January 26th, 2008 8:27pmMany congratulations, Toby. Marriage, four children - we'll make a Catholic out of you yet. (No doubt, when the children come of school age). Kind regards and auld lang syne from Punch days, Mike.