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Monday 13 October 2008

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Nick Clegg’s sex confession shows why politicians should never try to look normal

It was the 14 pints, I always thought, that ultimately did it for William Hague. That was the beginning of the end. There must have been teenagers out there in the 1970s who did, indeed, drink 14 pints a day. It’s just that they probably weren’t the same teenagers who, aged 16, spent their spare time practising a piping address for the Conservative party conference. Hague said he drank 14 pints; Britain thought ‘nah’. Britain thought, ‘Come out to the pub with me, you baldy wee pluke, and I bet you couldn’t handle more than four.’ The problem wasn’t that he was being overly confessional, it was more the opposite. It was a ham-fisted attempt at being confessional about something which it was suddenly evident that he didn’t know all that much about.

And so to Nick Clegg and his sex life. Speaking to Piers Morgan in GQ (such a bad idea, and politicians keep doing it), Clegg is asked how many women could attest to his prowess in the bedroom. ‘No more than 30,’ he says. Then he backtracks. ‘It’s a lot less than that.’

Is this the same sort of thing? At first glance, you’d think not. You believe him, more or less. And don’t be fooled by the backtrack. That first answer — that’s the one to pay attention to. At least roughly speaking, a man knows. A man might say 30 when he meant 27 or 34 but he wouldn’t say 30 when he meant eight.

So. Give or take, the leader of the Liberal Democrats has had 30 sexual partners. Ought we be surprised? On one level, obviously, not. This is a Liberal Democrat we are talking about. A Liberal Democrat could confess to a nine-year affair with an honest-to-god elk, which resulted in an elk lovechild that he kept in an elk dungeon, and many of us would merely roll a weary eye. Indeed, there is possibly something unique about the Liberal Democrats, and their ability to have enormous amounts of sex without stirring any envy in the general populace whatsoever. Porn stars, prostitutes, even Peter Stringfellow — there can be a certain dirty glamour to it. Liberal Democrats? No. Never. Even Max Mosley wouldn’t pretend to be a Liberal Democrat. That’s just sick.

More articles from: Hugo Rifkind | this section

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