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And another thing

Is the Loch Ness Monster heading for real celebrity?

Paul Johnson

Wednesday, 25th July 2007

At this time of year my thoughts often dwell on the Loch Ness Monster. Let me recapitulate what we know about this beast.

Stories abound about the treasure to be found buried in or near Urquhart Castle. And of course, there is treasure sunk in Loch Ness too, quite apart from the pearls of the drowned lady. Years ago I used to see Sir Compton (‘Monty’) Mackenzie at old Martin Secker’s house at Iver, and listen to his fabulous stories. Of course, as Monty pointed out, wherever you get really deep water in Scotland, you tend to get monster stories too. A case in point is Loch Morar, also in Inverness-shire but on the western side. Unlike Ness, it is a sea-loch, famous for its sea trout. It is about ten miles long and two wide, and in part of it the depth is over 1,000 feet, which makes it the deepest lake in Britain — perhaps in Europe. There are islands in it, and on one of them, Simon Fraser, Lord Lovat, was found hiding in a hollow tree and captured after the Forty-Five — he of course being a distant forbear of my Simon Fraser. He had his head chopped off on Tower Hill in 1747, being over 80 at the time. On his way to the scaffold, a cockney woman in the crowd shouted: ‘They are going to take off your head, you old Scotch dog.’ He replied: ‘I believe they are, you old English bitch.’ They had a bit of style in those days, and no nonsense about political correctness either.

So what about the Loch Ness Monster? From what I know of that beastly loch, I don’t see how there can be a monster in it. And I don’t think much of the photographs of it. On the other hand, a very large number of people claim to have seen it, among them many sober, responsible, cool-headed men and women; and their descriptions, which often tally, are surprisingly matter-of-fact. I would not be surprised to hear our new, not overmodest, Prime Minster announce: ‘Not only have we pulled in all the recent bombers, but we have succeeded in taking alive the Loch Ness Monster too. I am seriously considering putting him in the Cabinet, to broaden its foundation.’