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Friday 18 July 2008

Apple and orange

Lucy Vickery presents the latest Competition

In Competition No. 2544 you were invited to submit a shopping list in verse form, making the last word of every line a brand name.

Although I try to vary the competitions as much as possible, this is the second list-poem assignment in a row. As this was, at least in part, an attempt to respond to the market — consumer demand is high for verse-based comps, which seem to attract a larger entry than prose ones — I thought shopping and brands an appropriate theme.

Randall Jarrell uses detergent brand names to great ironic effect in the first line of his poem ‘Next Day’, in which a woman wanders the supermarket aisles mourning the loss of a younger self: ‘Moving from Cheer to Joy, from Joy to All,/ I take a box/ And add it to my wild rice, my Cornish game hens...’. And Pushkin liked to incorporate the champagne grandes marques into his work, Veuve Cliquot and Moët, in particular.

The bonus fiver this week goes to David Silverman, who follows in the footsteps of Pushkin and John Masefield; the other winners, printed below, get £25 each.

Wrinkle-cream of Nivea or Estée Lauder,
A bottle each of L’Oréal and Calvin Klein;
Then some ivory from Cargo,
Necklace by Hugo,
Fabergé diamonds and Bond Number Nine.

Stately Spanish Sauvignon, a French Veuve Cliquot,
Dip among the clarets for a Mouton Cadet;
Escargots au Boursin,
Truffles from Guylian,
Candles and roses and Grand Marnier.

Consignment of Kalashnikovs, AKs, Uzis,
Sidewinder Missiles, eight Chinooks and a Lynx;
Then a cargo of Semtex,
Tomahawk Cruises,
A hundred tonnes of napalm and six Russian
    MIGs.
David Silverman, with apologies John Masefield

My Mum sent me out to buy Sun-Pat,
But I got myself Snickers and KitKat
Instead, and some Mars and Doritos,
Maltesers and packets of Weetos,
A Twix and some Minstrels and Topics,
Fruit Pastilles and Chewits and Picnics,
A Boost and a Twirl and some Aeros,
Double Deckers and Revels and Rolos,
A Milk Bar, Fruit Gums and Yorkie,
A Time Out, a Flake and a Bounty;
To wash it all down, Orangina,
And Coke, Lucozade and Ribena.
I ate all the sweets, plus some Heroes,
Before I got home.  ‘Here, take Eno’s!’
Cried Mum as she wiped me with Kleenex.
I spent most the night with the Andrex.
Virginia Price Evans

Half a pound of Uncle Ben’s,
A bumper pack of Stella,
Either turps or Polyclens,
Shampoo (if they stock Wella).
If on offer, Kerrygold,
Some C-size Evereadies,
Use the coupon for some Bold,
And two-for-one on Shreddies.
Try Delia’s tip with Cow and Gate,
Which also needs Nutella;
It’s time we had some After Eight,
And Donna wants her Bella.
A thing of lemon-scented Flash,
The powder kind of Bisto;
Just in case, a tin of Smash,
And a single Montecristo.
W.J. Webster

Mr Muscle, Pledge or Sheen,
Fairy Liquid; Dairylea;
Horlicks, Bovril, Ovaltine;
Smash; and Flash; Le Vache Qui Rit.
Kleenex, Windolene; and Tide;
Sanatogen; and Uncle Ben;
Daddies Sauce and Mother’s Pride;
Golden Shred; Old Speckled Hen.
PG Tips and KP Skips;
Turkey Twizzlers; Rizla; Mum;
Crunchies, Munchies; Walnut Whips;
Whiskas, Winalot, and Chum.
Bloo; White Lightning; Green & Black;
Red Bull; Rennies; Benecol;
Mr Kipling; Shake’n’Vac —
Alka-Seltzer; Panadol.
Bill Greenwell

Glorious breakfast treasure trove is freshly
    purchased bread by Hovis.
With it, we will get our lips round a cup of PG
    Tips;
Meet our lunchtime wishes by buying a Fray
    Bentos Pie,
With that favourite of my wife’s, bananas
    labelled simply ‘Fyffes’.
For the time when supper falls, sausages, as
    made by Walls,
Bread sauce plentiful as porridge, mustard made
    by Colmans (Norwich).
Custard then — a rhyming word — from the
    famous firm of Bird.
We’ll settle stomachs finally with a glass of
    Hennessy.
Paul Griffin

Smirnoff Gordon’s Pimms Cointreau
Stella Hoegaarden Pernod
Allinson’s Homepride Atora
Anchor Stork Trex Lurpak Flora
PopTarts Hobnobs Weetabix
Sugar Puffs Mars Wispa Twix
All Bran Jordan’s After Eight
Tizer Fanta Coffee-mate
Bird’s Dream Topping Nescafé
Bird’s Eye Findus Ocean Spray
Mr Muscle Mr Sheen
Ajax Persil Windolene
Bulldog Gillette Clinomyn
Alka Seltzer Clarityn
Vo5 Soft Moulding Wax
Alka Seltzer Dulcolax
G.M. Davis

No. 2547: Words and weapons
You are invited to write a poem or piece of prose ending with the words ‘The pen is mightier than the sword’ (or, if you prefer, ‘The pun is mightier than the sword’). Maximum 16 lines or 150 words. Entries to ‘Competition 2547’ by 29 May or email lucy@spectator.co.uk

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