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Hot property

Lucy Vickery

Wednesday, 11th June 2008

Lucy Vickery presents the latest competition

In Competition No. 2548 you were invited to submit sales particulars for a property well known in literature in your best estate-agent-ese. It was a capacious entry, which benefited from unrivalled clichés and florid, tautological prose. You aped the estate agent’s way of accentuating the positive well. We all know that ‘bijou’ translates as ‘broom cupboard’ and that ‘convenient for motorway access’ would be more accurately rendered as ‘suitable for the hard of hearing’. I was tempted to put in an offer on St Simeon Stylites’ pillar, described thus by Elizabeth Emerk: ‘Pillars for Pillocks is pleased to offer this unique detached dwelling near old Antioch — effectively a sublimely minimalist penthouse 60 ft high consisting of a wonderful 12 sq ft balustraded platform offering clear and unobstructed views of the ground’. But she didn’t quite make the £25-winning line-up. A special mention to Alanna Blake, whose estate-agent-speak I found even more convincing than fellow competitor Lesley Gammie’s, who is one. This week’s top dog is Adrian Fry, who gets £30.

Situated mere inches by map from the Yorkshire village of Dotheboys, the Hall is an exceptionally well ventilated, partially fenestrated, generously irrigated country residence in which rusticity and ruggedness marry to produce a clean slate on which prospective buyers have every opportunity to write. Originally conceived as a smallholding, it has more recently risen to the status of educational establishment, a cloister of academe bearing witness to the happiest days in the lives of its charges, not uncoincidental with their intellectual enrichment. The previous owners have sought wherever possible to retain the original features of the buildings and such alterations as have been made exhibit the charmingly naive approach so typical of and charming in the young. The Schoolroom, indeed, is a conversation point; capacious yet minimalistically furnished, the walls fascinatingly etched with the monograms of earlier residents, an inspirational antidote to the inexplicable absence of a library.
Adrian Fry

Darlington Hall is a substantial property set in acres of the finest English countryside, affording a pale view of hills. Once the residence of Lord Darlington, it came into the ownership of an American investor who now has no requirement for an English manor house. The long driveway, bordered by beautiful mature beeches, leads to the stunning surprise of an imposing facade that once welcomed ministers of state and foreign diplomats. This residence breathes dignity and history. Rooms retain their old-world splendour, from the capacious dining hall to the servants’ quarters, the remains of a day when England loved grandeur. And grandeur there is here in plenty. The retiring butler, who served under Lord Darlington himself, will happily acquaint the new owner with the history of the house. His anecdotes are the stuff of bestselling novels. It was he who compiled the following details.
Frank McDonald

This imaginative 1926 Modernist tower on the Isle of Skye has been adapted to meet today’s complex family needs. Silvery and misty-looking, with a yellow eye, it comes with dream-like views of the bay, each window furnished with a ripple of reflected light. It even has its own boar’s skull! An ideal choice for anyone wishing to paint or just relax in streams or waves of consciousness. Finished to a high artistic standard, it is divided into three sections with sharp, introspective lines that gain strength from the white-washed rocks below. There’s plenty of room for servants and large dinner parties. It has been meticulously maintained by its owner, the kind and protective Mrs Ramsay. There is an illuminating quality here that few other lighthouses can match. Could be transformed into a boutique hotel or writers’ retreat.
John O’Byrne

An imposing riverside residence with boathouse and private mooring for several vessels. The house, of mellowed red brick, has been maintained in superb repair by a wealthy and munificent owner. In addition to all the amenities of a superior country mansion, the property features a panelled banqueting hall of impressive proportions, appropriate for celebrity entertainment. Former stables have been sympathetically converted into a suite of garages and the cobbled stable-yard provides additional parking plus special hard-standing for a caravan. Immaculate, well-stocked gardens back on to unspoilt woodland, inhabited by a fascinating variety of wild creatures, most of them amenable to approach by interested residents and generally safe with children. This property would be particularly suitable for a family who wish to take advantage of the benefits that a famous address bestows upon its owners.
Alanna Blake

One careful owner of unique semi-ecclesiastical dwelling (Grade 1 listed, already deconsecrated). The original ‘green’ space, absolutely no carbon footprint, organic materials used throughout this genuine medieval ‘cave style’ design. Superb ancient detailing still intact in secluded, unspoiled location, with ye olde waterfalles, floodes (reliable water supply), forests adjacent for decking for patio, cragges, knolles, knarres, etc. all perfect for hiking, climbing, abseiling, hurling intruders from. No parking. No planning permission needed. Excellent opportunities for transmogrification and enchantment on a DIY basis. (Apply Morgan La Fay plc.) Axe-sharpening facilities still in perfect working order. Ideal for winter breaks. Would suit wood-chopping enthusiast, duellist, decapitator, person of reclusive bent, into ‘magical thinking’ and historic recreation, intimidation and riddling. Ideal for third-ager seeking tranquillity. Directions: enquire at Hautdesert and ask for ‘Bert’.
Josh Ekroy

Enjoying a delightful sylvan setting, The House at Pooh Corner is a charming, detached single-storey country cottage located in one of the most sought-after areas in the Home Counties. Built in the finest traditions of the Arts and Crafts Movement, the property dates from the languid 1920s but also has a vibrant 21st-century feel with its thrillingly simple design and decor and its eco-friendly construction from hand-gathered native timber. Secure in its secluded situation on the edge of a mature hundred-acre beech wood, it has the additional benefit of being part of a closely knit local community. This unique dwelling would make an ideal rural retreat for a purchaser who appreciates being at one with some fantastic local fauna in a haven of timeless peace and tranquillity. Viewing by appointment. Offers in the region of £250,000.
W.J. Webster

No. 2551: Pen pals
‘Dear 338171 (May I call you 338?)’. You are invited to complete in verse or prose Noël Coward’s letter to Aircraftman Ross (aka T.E. Lawrence) and Lawrence’s reply. Maximum 16 lines or 150 words. Entries to Competition 2551 by 26 June or email jamesy@greenbee.net.

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