If Miliband becomes PM, I’ll join the right-wing coup to topple him
Rod Liddle is outraged by the Foreign Secretary’s alleged comparison of himself to Michael Heseltine: like comparing a Big Beast to a stumpy little Muntjac deer. Where have all the political giants gone?
Apparently, David Miliband’s speech to the Labour party conference was deliberately low-key because he did not wish to have a ‘Heseltine Moment’ — that is, he did not wish to be seen as being too obviously a threat to the Prime Minister, too openly desirous of his job. What a fabulous strutting little cock this man truly is. Flying around the world in the Queen’s private jet to deliver fatuous or anodyne pronouncements to the media at an extortionate cost to the taxpayer, all the while considering himself the heir to the leadership of a great political party which in better times would have considered him a smug, jumped-up, risible little wonker who was maybe suitable for a very junior role in the Department of Work and Pensions, at best. And of course, heir to the leadership of a great country; come on, Britain — that simply cannot be allowed to happen. Do you remember all those leftie rumours of how a coalition of the secret service, the army, industrialists and hard-right Tory politicians were about to take over the country in a coup towards the end of Jim Callaghan’s premiership? I assume quite a few of you Spectator readers were actually part of the coup — in which case, can’t you get something up and running for the day Miliband takes over? I’ll help. Just say the word. At the very least I could sit by the guillotine, doing some knitting.
The remarkable thing is the extent to which Miliband clearly believes that both leadership of the party and the country are sort of his by rights, that his qualities are so self-evident that his elision to power should be unquestioned. So much is apparent by his willingness to compare himself favourably to a politician 500 times his worth, Michael Heseltine. It is like me comparing myself favourably to Goethe. To be sure, the mop-headed, mace-wielding Europhile who, unforgivably, buys his own furniture had one or two faults — a certain arrogance, perhaps hubris. And like Miliband, he was not without ambition. Unlike Miliband, however, one could understand why he had ambition, even during his most infuriatingly imperial moments. Heseltine was a Big Beast; David Miliband, by contrast is — at best — a stumpy little Muntjac deer and his brother Ed something much smaller still, perhaps one of those nematode worms which stab themselves to death with their own penises.
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Matthew Wilson
September 25th, 2008 12:44pmGreat piece. Can you imagine if Milibland were to somehow weasel his way to becoming PM? He and Cameron facing off across the dispatch box in competition for what remains of the nation's affections:
"Call me Dave."
"No, call me Dave, I insist."
And so on.
On the big beast front, the only future candidates who spring to mind for Labour and the Tories are Jon Cruddas and George Osborne. Maybe Vince Cable for the Lib-Dems, but I suspect that's pushing it a bit.
Boris is certainly a big beast, but while I take on board what Rod says about his being steered away from the corridors of power by the Tories at Westminster - presumably for the crime of being too interesting and media-friendly - I'm hopeful that in the long run the platform he's got as Mayor of London will enable him to return to the front bench in a suitably prominent role. Certainly his widely-reported defence of the City bankers in the past few days, including pointing out that there's an opportunity to be had if we hold our nerve, is a viewpoint you wouldn't readily hear from anyone else in public life.
Going back to Broon vs Milibland, the only question for the Tories is which of them would do the most damage to Labour in the time remaining before the next general election.
Ben Philips
September 25th, 2008 1:49pmI was wondering about past Cabinet Ministers and whether they had careers outside parliament. Many had 'a good war' but did any of them really do anything else? Kinnock, Hattersley, Michael Foot, Tony Benn, Healey, Howe, Lawson, Tebbitt? Or Heath, Wilson, MacMillan, Churchill, Attlee, MacMillan, Baldwin, Lloyd-George?
Seems to me that Westminster was their life. Be interested to know...
John Nicholas
September 25th, 2008 2:49pmIt has been a month now and you still haven't managed to organise the page turning sequence efficiently !
Marc O'Polo
September 25th, 2008 4:56pmThey're all so colourless, such bland little pixies. Ruthless careerists sure, but featherweight ne'ertheless. O' how the Russian bear must quake when Milliband roars!
Kram Ekosum
September 25th, 2008 6:39pmRod, YOU are a genius as ever. It is a tragedy that we as an electorate have been duped into voting for such pap. Sadly there is very little that can be done about it. The Americanisation of politics reflects our selfish, superficial "I/Eye"-based society. Only the young and pretty can be popular hence the age of politicians creeping down. Real people who do not eat the lingo cannot be included! Ben Philips is correct about some historical figures not doing much outside Westminister but shockingly ignorant of others e.g. Foot - a journalist first, was elected leader well past being a pensioner. WF Deedes was in MacMillan's government(probably because he was a distant relative). Heath an internationally respected yachtsman and a classical musician. More recently - Matthew Parris and Gyles Brandreth... Is it a coincidence that they all tend to the Right?! We shouldn't really include Churchill in a list of other politicians... Hurray for the person who took that awful snap of D.Miliband with his eyes popping out whilst shaking Our Leader's hand. The electorate will not be voting for an alien being, surely! If you saw him laughing on Sky News last Sunday when he got the number of people killed in Islamabad wrong, you will know why he can't be allowed to stay in office.
Richard B
September 25th, 2008 11:21pmFor god's Liddle leave the boy alone, he's got a paper round to do in the morning.
McLovin
September 26th, 2008 4:19am'Now think back 20 years. Labour had Kinnock...'
For Kinnock read: Angry Ginger Welsh Midget. Hardly what I would call a 'big beast'. Once again we witness the insularity and absurdity of the left. For most of the country, Kinnock was an annoying little sod. For Mr. Liddle, he was a big beast.
David Short
September 26th, 2008 5:46amBen Philips makes a good point, but shouldn't dismiss military service (a 'good war'). Professional soldiering was a real job, even outside a world war, when Britain had an Empire.
And remember both Churchill and Nigel Lawson were journalists (NL was editor of this magazine), though of course you can wonder if that is really much different. Polishing your trousers in a fat bum at a desk before a large, jolly lunch at the Gay Hussar is the same whether you're a hack or a pol.
There used to be a lot of ex-miner Labour MPs and ministers, remember.
Tebbit was an airline pilot and president of their union.
While he doesn't mention Thatcher, she was a chemist before nabbing a millionaire (when being a millionaire meant something) as a husband so she could devote herself to politics.
Heseltine isn't mentioned, but he built up an independent fortune through Haymarket Publishing, precisely to give himself the independence to be a full-time pol.
Even so, I still think Liddle is right and that these new ones are from a very small social set.
The Milibands are the product of Marxist theorist, Ralph Miliband, who blazed a trail in the 1970s by having a second home.
Hereford
September 26th, 2008 10:26amNow Rod, stop beating about the bush. If you don't like the Milliband twins just come out and say it :o)
But how can you say that Flint would be viable. Are you, perhaps, distracted by her reasonable good looks. Trust me, she's like one of those good looking female aliens in 'V'. When she's hungry, the viscious lizard like face emerges and swallows the prey, whole and bloody.
David Short
September 26th, 2008 11:30amTell us more, Hereford!
Max
September 26th, 2008 2:12pmAren’t the present crop of nothing politicians exactly right for our nothing country?
In any case, the future of England is as a colony of the Indian sub-continent - as is clear to any with more insight than a bowl of soup.
Able people from the indigenous population will not waste their time with politics or anything else intrinsic to this country. The people with the brains are getting out.
John Corfield
September 27th, 2008 9:21amA cracker of an article
I have always though that David Millaband was
Labours very own cloned "Dolly the Sheep" so creepily robotic,a programmed political widget, mass produced in a Labour wonk making factory (just like his brother)
Nobby
September 27th, 2008 1:46pmCouldn't agree more Rod. Though this analysis must also apply to many other areas of society. Why? Well, society in the UK today is a place where people have far more to lose than gain by speaking their mind. So no one does anymore unless it is in anonymous blog form or in a soundproofed room behind closed doors. Incidentally, I have noticed that even the characters of showbiz yesteryear have vanished ie Oliver Reed, Richard Harris, Peter O'Toole et al. Oh I know we have the no opinion worth talking about drug takers such as that plonker who plays a guitar and who looks like a twelve year old boy and, Amy Winehouse, but that is the point innit.
David Lindsay
September 27th, 2008 3:52pmAccording to Ruth Kelly, Milly is "one of the great talents of the future" and "a rising star".
Which is no way to describe the Foreign Secretary and Prime Minister in waiting.
Is it?
Hell hath no fury...
William
September 28th, 2008 4:12amJN. Click on "print this article" then close the print box and hey presto you have whole page! Some sites SMH, Reuters etc give you this option more simply. The Telegraph somehow cannot.
rod liddle
September 29th, 2008 1:53pmHereford - the v shaped tongue alien stuff? Yes, that's the attraction.....
David Short
September 29th, 2008 6:21pmWilliam, what a fantastic piece of information! Just tried it and it works. It's so irritating to have to click four to six times to read something.
I know it's part of the changes by the new management to make us read the ads for awful products and the Spec promos (oh yeah, we wnat to pay lots of money to listen to Brillo going on and on and even see him in the flesh...).
A case of unintended consequences....I can now read the Speccie for free (I only ever buy it if I've got nothing else to read on a long train journey because of its new ghastly 'Lifestyle' 1980s Weltanschaung - after having bought it every week for 25 years) without being exposed to the ads for 'luxury' travel and products....
KindnessofWomen
September 30th, 2008 12:13pmI checked Caroline Flint out on Google Images after Rod alluded to her pulchritude in an earlier article. She takes a nice photo:
http://images.google.co.uk/images?hl=en&q=Caroline+Flint&btnG=Search+Images&gbv=2
But then a couple of weeks later I saw her being interviewed on the TV news and concluded she was a bit scary, in a David Icke six-foot lizard sort of way.
Rod, are you basing your appreciation of Ms Flint on a personal encounter or just on photos/TV. I'm guessing the former, but I think we should be told. After all, with young Scarlett Johansson off the market, we need all the pin-ups we can get...
David Short
October 1st, 2008 5:26pmBelieve me, Flint is no pin-up.