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Barry Humphries

Wednesday, 12th December 2007

Barry Humphries on battling BT and Australia's new Prime Minister

The next day I was back on hold with BT, waiting half an hour (they hope you’ll hang up) to speak to a ‘Customer Service Executive’. This time, an arrangement was made to send a BT engineer out a couple of days later. However, he announced, to my surprise, that the charge for this call-out would be £116.33 just to step across the threshold, followed by 99 quid per hour, but if the problem was external, it would be free. In vain I tried to explain that there was no internal problem before their engineer’s visit. ‘Ah,’ the Customer Services Executive replied triumphantly, ‘he cut off the internal lines because they were causing the rustling, he’s put that in his notes.’ It appears he had failed to note the corroded outside wire. ‘But wouldn’t he have told me if the problem was internal? Why would he lie?’ I expostulated. But this was beyond the comprehension of the Customer Services Executive.

After 15 minutes of violent argument, it was grudgingly agreed that the problem could possibly be external and that a BT engineer would come and, without charge, reinstate the cut lines all over the house. This happened. Imagine then my surprise over this morning’s boiled egg to get a BT bill for £346 + VAT. Attempts to get through to BT on my restored phone have been unsuccessful due to 40-minute wait times, sudden gear changes to ‘number unavailable’ tones and, occasionally, after a very long wait, a bewildered person in India unable to help. Alas, the automated menu does not offer an option for ‘thoroughly pissed off customer’. What are those of us who choose to suffer life in England meant to do with our rage? I can cope, I am young and angry. But what about poor old ladies on the pension who get a fanciful bill and are too intimidated to complain? BT just hopes the flummoxed old dears will shut up, put up, and pay the fictitious account.

Australia’s new Prime Minister, the euphoniously named Kevin Rudd, whom the actress Dame Edna has, in an uncalled-for way, likened to a dentist, was photographed in his moment of triumph smiling and pointing at the camera. The pointing thing is also a habit of bad stand-up comedians, politicians and minor rock stars, who point arbitrarily at someone in the audience and pull a face which is meant to say, ‘fancy seeing you here!’

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D Brennock

January 3rd, 2008 5:11pm

Mr Humphries, the correct amount to tip a tradesman is £20 and has been for so long now, that it will surely be inflated to a 'nifty' before the end of this year. Had you offered the correct gratuity to your BT engineer it would have been accepted and trousered faster then the speed of a digital telephone exchange, followed, most importantly of all, by the words "Thank you very much Sir, before I leave I had better just check that all your internal extensions are working" This, as I am sure your esteemed colleague, Mary Killen, can confirm, would have saved you many hours on hold to BT and would have proved cost effective in the long run.

David Page

January 8th, 2008 2:01am

I've just caught up with this. From Barry Humphries account inflation in Brown's Britain must be well under control.The BT bill for GBP 346 plus VAT is about what Barry's alter ego Bazza McKenzie had to pay for a taxi ride from London airport in the 1960s.

Rex Mutton

April 16th, 2008 3:48am

The spelling of "Labor" in the Australian political sphere derives from one King O'Malley, American, teetotaller, orator and foundation Member of the Australian Parliament.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_O'Malley

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