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My goose is cooked

My goose was cooked — and it wasn’t very good

Theodore Dalrymple

Wednesday, 12th December 2007

What's so good about these indigestible birds?

My French nephew was with us the first year I cooked goose. He ate it with the undiscriminating voracity natural to adolescence, but in the middle of the night his grandmother roused us to say that he had terrible stomach ache. We found him groaning in his bed and when we offered to examine him, he said, ‘I want a proper doctor, not you.’ In my time in practice I had been on the receiving end of far worse insults than this, and I told him that no such doctor was available, this being England and not France, and that I was better than nothing. Reluctantly, he let me examine him. In the end, my diagnosis was that he was establishing an excuse not to do the homework the following day that he had put off ever since he arrived. On the other hand, there is no denying the indigestibility of goose.

Wild goose is different from the domestic variety. It can be cooked without olfactory detriment to the whole house, and is pleasantly gamey. However, while you can shoot wild goose, you are not allowed to sell it, and therefore to buy it. The difficulty is in obtaining it. Wild geese are bad-tempered creatures, much disliked by farmers, one of whom informed me that a single wild goose can eat as much in a day as a cow — or perhaps it was a sheep, I can’t remember now. Anyway, eating like a bird is not the phrase for a goose’s appetite, and farmers approve of their destruction.

For all that, wild goose is entirely lean: it is to its domesticated brethren what an Italian child is, say, to a British one. Its skin is not as tempting as that of domestic goose, but on the other hand you do not feel guilt at having consumed so much cholesterol afterwards, and thus at having sinned against your own health (the nearest most people come nowadays to a sense of sin). It is altogether a healthier, and therefore more moral, bird. Its disadvantage for the squeamish is that it comes with both feathers and innards which have not been thoughtfully whittled down to those useful for making stock.

My observations on the disadvantages of goose as a Christmas bird have been confirmed by others. I am now cured of my illusion. This year, I will not be cooking my goose.

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Russell Furzer

December 21st, 2007 12:28am

I am sorry to hear that Dr Dalrymple does not enjoy his goose. I have the privilege of having enough space to have 20 or so geese to compete with my cows (i'd say that they eat as much as 10% of a cow). Their goslings are just right at Xmas after eating Tasmanian spring grass. Not too thin, not too fatty but just right. Prunes and armanac will feature in the next recipe. P.S a colleague was a bit horrified at arriving to collect his goose and finding it alive with feathers not dead under plastic film- made some comment about excessive packaging!

keenan lapierre

December 21st, 2007 7:22pm

delightful! 'Tis the season, or as the dervishes say: 'Joy to the whirled!' I look forward to your essays - there are never enough. Merry Christmas!

derekleeder@iinet.net.au

December 31st, 2007 9:03am

You'll like this. Makes me think that this is how you'd write. Derek

Stuart

January 3rd, 2008 3:57pm

We don't eat geese all year round, because unlike chickens and ducks, they will not breed all year round.

Bernard Hassan

January 5th, 2008 5:36am

Here in the New Rome of North America, it is the turkey we hold sacred, not the goose. Sorry to hear you find it unworthy. If you will slow-roast a turkey, which is not common in the US, you should find it tastier and more enjoyable. Stuff with dressing of your choice. Rub the skin with olive oil or butter and roast one hour at 350 degrees to kill surface bacteria. [Sorry, I'm in New Mexico and don't have access to UK gas equivalents.] This will render the skin useless, just too hard to eat with any pleasure, which is just as well since it is loaded with sleep-inducing tryptophan and also puts a tremendous burden on the pancreas, canine as well as human. Reduce oven to 180 degrees. Use a thermometer to determine internal heat of 180, which may take many hours depending on size. If the oven is no hotter, it cannot burn. Remove when meat reaches 180. Let sit 45-60 minutes. Remove each breast with a single cut, then slice *across* the grain. This should then be moist, tender and tasty. Enjoy it with a good Gewuerztraminer.

Larry Eubank

January 6th, 2008 6:45am

I take great offense at Dalrymple's slurs against the turkey. Personally, I enjoy turkey drumsticks, as well as the gizzard and the neck (go figure) and other miscellaneous unidentifiable parts. But I understand the wild turkey bears about the same relationship to the domesticated variety as the wild goose does to its counterpart. I'd like to try one of the wild ones sometime, but so far I haven't encountered one when armed. But if Dalrymple doesn't like the tame turkey, maybe a wilder, crazier version would suit his palate.

Penelope Pendragon

January 7th, 2008 7:24am

Hi Theodore. I think the problem is old Mrs Bond, with geese in the larder etd etc-she believed in fattening her geese(!) The secret is NOT to fatten them,but to catch them whilst they're callow youths-all muscle, no fat and plenty of bravado. Next year try a gosling teenager,grab some sinfully out of season seville oranges, open a bottle of grand marnier and go for your life!You'lle never look back.

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