Grow up, girls — those stranded dolphins don’t deserve your tears
Rod Liddle says that our unthinking, sentimental reaction to the plight of the dolphins is symptomatic of our dangerous confusion about animals in general
All these memories came flooding back last week when I saw the news story about those dolphins stranded up some uncongenial river in Cornwall. Actually my first thought looking at the shoal of Flippers being manhandled into nets was the rather ungenerous ‘not that f***ing clever, then, are you, you mugs?’ I’ve never much liked dolphins, to tell you the truth; I resent the universally good press they get, the aquatic equivalent of Bob Geldof. I don’t like that evolutionarily determined upturned mouth, anthropomorphised into a happy, guileless smile by human imbeciles. I don’t like the fact that all women coo over dolphins; I take it as a personal affront. A famous television presenter, a childhood icon of mine and probably yours, once told me that the happiest moment she had spent was stroking a dolphin’s penis. I was suspicious of her from then on.
Meanwhile, a few hundred yards upstream from the stranded mammals, fish — ‘fly-replete, in depths of June/ dawdling away their wat’ry noon’ — were being caught by fishermen with a hook through the gums, pike were being electrocuted by the local piscatorial society; mayflies danced unwisely before the hungry lips of trout-shaped oblivion. The carnage on that little stretch of river — much of it man-made, the rest nature doing its usual stuff — attracted no attention, of course. Maybe the dolphins have got Max Clifford.
We have imposed upon dolphins the intimation of high intelligence; not because they are truly clever (it’s a river, you moron), but because we like them. We have credited whales with a high IQ, too, because we like them — the recent Japanese ‘scientific’ research on whales, however, suggests they are even more stupid than both the defence minister Des Browne and the BBC person who commissioned another series of The Catherine Tate Show. That’s because they want to put them in a bap and eat them. There is no great evidence for dolphins having an IQ which is abnormally high for the animal kingdom; squid and octopus are a lot smarter than your average beastie, but we care nothing whatsoever for their welfare. We inflate the abilities of certain creatures, suggest that they are ‘like us’, for purely sentimental and usually paradoxical reasons. There was an interesting story about squirrels recently; in parts of Hertfordshire, the local grey squirrels are all in a quandary because the blacks have moved in: uh-oh, there goes the neighbourhood. These mutant black squirrels are cleverer, quicker and stronger than the greys and have taken over. We used to hate grey squirrels because they usurped the pretty little red squirrels; but now, in the Welwyn Garden City area, they’re feeling sorry for them.
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Dave the Dolphin
June 12th, 2008 8:35amRod, this television presenter, please could you pass on her name.
Tiggy
June 12th, 2008 9:19amYes Rod, go on tell us please. We're dying to know. If she's told you she must have told others and I am very surprised no media animal action freak has turned her in for sexual harrassment of dolphins. Personally, if she and the dolphin were happy about it..well..but most odd and I suppose it takes all sorts..etc..
On the subject of rats as pets/nuisance I loved and nurtured gerbils in my childhood; weeping when they died. Yet, last year I caught and beat to death a very scared and angry rat that had the temerity to invade my bathroon and poisoned the rest of the little buggers. I felt a right bastard for weeks afterward.
Mark Newly
June 12th, 2008 9:29amStill got crap furniture.
Matthew Wilson
June 12th, 2008 2:11pmOne of the cultural legacies of the Abrahamic religions, as John Gray argues persuasively in Straw Dogs, is that many of us humans see ourselves as being somehow set apart from the animal kingdom. Not wanting to acknowledge our mortality - or let in the possibility that, like animals, we are not possessed of immortal souls - has probably got something to do with it. It strikes me that one of the reasons people like cats and dogs, their cuteness apart, is that they possess distinctive individual personalities (something that can't really be said of fish - though I'm prepared to stand corrected on this point). In the case of our old family cat, Kevin, my favourite idiosyncratic manifestation of his was the day we served him a brand of cat food he didn't like. His response was to sniff his bowl disdainfully before, to our watching delight, turning to scrape at the kitchen floor next to it with his paw, as if making to cover over a particularly odoriferous excretion. The message - namely "This is sh*t" - could not have been clearer if he had produced a PowerPoint presentation on the issue.
Another Dave who is a dolphin
June 12th, 2008 3:24pmMr Liddle is a lucky man to be able to tap out his middle-aged, not quite well-off enough, lost his proper job, musings every week and get paid for it!
They're always enjoyable, but so are lots of blogs from similarly under-employed gentleman that neglect their haircuts.
laurie macdonell-sanchez
June 12th, 2008 4:51pmPerverse, puerile AND ambivalent are most humans with regard to animals. (Farmers, ranchers, vets, hunters, gardeners, etc. excepted.) We think nothing of lavishing our dogs w/the finer side of our natures while we massacre & devour the beautiful, gentle bovine species. (I'm convinced that were I small enough, my poodle would eat ME!) That TV presenter should think twice about getting too chummy w/male dolphins – there’ve been MANY reports of attempted sexual assault by male dolphins against women at many “pet-the-dolphins” venues in the States—WITHOUT any encouragement such as that presenter’s bizarre overtures! Anthropomorphising animals is delusional & even dangerous. It is indeed horrible that the Japanese--and let's not forget the Russkies!--still hunt whales. Thank you for another great one—best laugh I’ve had in a week.
laurie macdonell-sanchez
June 12th, 2008 5:06pmPost datum: Your article's grim kiddie humor reminds me of Edward Gorey's "Gashlycrumb Tinies," a children's alphabet primer modeled on the late 19th century penny dreadfuls. I gave a copy to a daughter during her recuperation from appendicitis/peritonitis & she was in agonies of laughter. Worth looking up if you're not familiar with it.
Harry O
June 12th, 2008 10:46pmQuite right Rod, Time to be tough on dolphins, tough on the causes for dolphins.
David Short
June 13th, 2008 3:39amKnowing Liddle's vintage, I reckon it's got to be Valerie Singleton. He's too old for it to be anyone else.
KEVIN DONNELLON
June 13th, 2008 2:49pmSize matters too Rod. If whales were only 3" long we wouldn't give a toss if any died in rivers!
Dave the Dolphin
June 13th, 2008 8:00pmValerie Singleton? I won't bother then.
Ross Burns
June 15th, 2008 11:45pmWell, there's regrettably more generalisations in Rod's article than the number of sadly dead dolphins. Tis a pity he isn't more against the myth of a god he can't shake himself from believing in, than he his against animals. Come on Rod, you can scribble far better than that.
Jane Bodington
June 17th, 2008 11:36pmAre you really Rod Liddle or has some 'Low Life' taken over your column? I haven't laughed so much since the story of old uncle having problems with his testicles in the plastic chair.
Mind you, you are right about animals and their general cuteness. Personally I think lambs are lovely the way they hop, skip and leap about. But they are better cooked, and the dog agrees with me.
Frank Pulley
June 18th, 2008 1:23amWalt Disney has a lot to answer for.
Hope you've hired some shrewd bodyguards, Rod, and implemented sophisticated fire and security measures in your gaff. You do realise the the Animal Rights Movement encompasses some of the most violent terrorists in Europe, don't you?
The image of Val giving Dil the Dolphin a J Arthur will haunt me to my dying day. I wish you hadn't shared that with us! I'm still trying to figure out what prior conversation led up to that bestial confession. Care to elucidate?