Liz suggests

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The name of the game

Alex James

Wednesday, 20th February 2008

Alex James on his Slow Life

Besides, I don’t think I know anyone who plays cricket. A lot of my friends play golf, but I’ve completely missed the boat there. If I started now I’d never be a native golfer. If I was going to start something from scratch that required that much commitment, I’d be more tempted to take an Open University course in ballistics or pastries and confectionery.

It’s not that I never play games; I do, I love them. I just haven’t found the one that is me, my game. I’ve only realised I need a competitive sport because I spend hours playing patience on my phone. Patience is addictive, utterly compulsive, but there is no camaraderie there. Nothing to share, not even any equipment to get excited about.

I do go shooting, once a year, but once is enough. I like playing tennis, but only against my wife, which makes me think it’s not the tennis I’m interested in, it’s the skirts. After all the years spent in recording studios, I excel at table football. I had an excellent game of that last weekend, and trounced my opponent, but I don’t think I’m ready for my own table. Pool and snooker are much better played away, as well.

I used to play bridge a fair bit, but my life has changed so much since then. I look forward to reacquainting myself with it in my dotage, but bridge is unthinkable with three small children. It makes a second career in golf look like a tiddlywinks campaign.

Actually, the more I think about tiddlywinks, the more I start to think it might be my game. I’ve always played it. It has the essence of all the noble sports, the keen edge of competitiveness, but it’s so clearly a completely useless thing to be good at that there is absolutely no snobbery involved whatsoever. It requires no commitment, training or silly trousers to get involved. It’s a simple case of sitting down and kicking the other party’s ass. It doesn’t matter if you’re rubbish at it. It’s the game that’s good, not the players. It’s the perfect combination of flair, chaos and not taking oneself too seriously, yet still wanting to win. A good game of winks is guaranteed to lift the spirits, which is what it’s all about. Any age, any time. I’ll take you all on. I’m the tiddlywinks guy.