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Rental block

Jeremy Clarke

Wednesday, 26th March 2008

Jeremy Clarke reports on his Low Life

Is there a fireplace? I said. It was the only question I wanted to ask. To my mind, an open fire is a sine qua non. A log fire burning continuously in the grate is virtually the whole point of renting a cottage on Dartmoor. No, she said. There is no fireplace. Or rather, there is, but I’ve had it bricked up. What do you want an open fire for? They’re far too much trouble with all the lifting and carrying, and they make a mess.

But I enjoy an open fire, I said. I enjoy all the cutting and chopping and fetching and carrying. Splitting sticks with an old meat cleaver I find especially therapeutic, I said. When you get to my age you’ll think differently, she said. When you get to my age you want heat at the turn of a knob.

And do you live very far from the cottage? I asked. The cottage is an annexe of my house, she said. There is an interconnecting door, which I rarely use, though it’s handy for keeping an eye on things. If you decide to take the cottage, I will require two months’ rent in advance. I also require one month’s notice if you want to leave. The last tenant left after just a fortnight without giving any notice whatsoever. It was most inconsiderate. He even left some washing on the line. He had to get back to civilisation, he said. And I don’t allow smoking. Do you smoke? Only when I’m drunk, I said. You get drunk? Of course I get drunk, I said — I’m a journalist. It’s expected of us. I see, she said, again finding the explanation perfectly satisfactory. As long as you don’t smoke inside the cottage, she said.

This Dartmoor cottage was the first place I’d tried. I’d forgotten what a demoralising business finding somewhere to live at the bottom end of the rental market can be.