Fat cat diary
Aidan Hartley on the Wild Life
Still, as a member of an indigenous minority I know all about social exclusion. My consciousness was raised at a Unesco seminar I attended in Tegucigalpa in 2005. There I was so happy to meet Inuits at a buffet-cum-cocktail party. It was an empowering experience, very ground-upwards. This is why I am suing Britain for £2 billion for historical injustices. Colonialists established Nairobi in my grandpa’s cattle boma in 1902. Nobody asked his permission. Now it’s time to pay up, Gordon Brown. Meanwhile the trauma of colonialism is forcing me to arm the idlers down in the market ready for the next elections. I’ll ethnically cleanse anybody who doesn’t vote for our tribal candidate. After all, that’s democracy.
As Mwalimu Julius Nyerere (pbuh) once said, ‘Africa for the Africans.’ But in order for radical self-reliance to be achieved — together with sundry UN Millennium Development Goals — the West must dramatically increase aid to Africa. No more cheating on commodity prices for our raw materials. No more dumping of chicken drumsticks on Africa!
British aid to Kenya is £60 million per year, only slightly more than aid to Zimbabwe. Another damn conspiracy. They’re treating us as badly as poor Bob now. Clearly, there cannot be peace in Kenya without the ‘Peace Cabinet’. And 42 ministries will cost taxpayers about £500 million per year. After all, the president earns more than Bush, Brown or Ban Ki-moon. Our central bank governor earns double Bernanke’s take-home. We’re talking big time here.
That is why, in the new democratic dispensation, when I hear complaints about crime in Kenya, it makes me very angry. As if people don’t get murdered in Buckingham Palace. You say roads are potholed, but go talk to the contractors who did a shoddy job. Typical Italian mafias. Now everybody’s making noise about food prices. On that subject I have only two words to say: global warming.
I condemn nasty press coverage that hampers our IPOs and the recovery of our tourism industry. The suckers used to fly down ready to pay top dollar. Now we have all these smiling Maasai warriors waiting in the bushes with mango cocktails but no punters. May I remind you this is the home of ‘Big cat diary’. We don’t want to have bloggers making jokes about our political leaders. Some people call the goings-on in Kenya a soap opera that should be called ‘Fat cat diary’. That is very cheeky. And, as you already know, the Chinese can also be our friends.
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John Dean
April 25th, 2008 9:04amAmerican scientists invented AIDS! I've heard this nonsense before but ever expected to encounter in The Spectator.
woz
April 25th, 2008 2:25pmAidan, a fabulous send up of the rambling nonsense you read on blogs, the letters pages and even commentaries in the Kenya press; in fact a wonderful send up of Kenya pub talk.
However, I fear many will not get it unless they are acquainted with the embarrassing drivel that the average Dorcas and Jacintha in downtown Nairobi come out with.
Tom Hutton
May 3rd, 2008 2:40amI'm a faithful reader of Hartley. I even read his book Zanzibar Chest and corresponded with him once by e-mail (writer's addresses appparently are no longer offered at The Speccie). But I have to say this particular bit he wrote is all over the lot. Africa for the Africans, he cries, but he's angry the West doesn't give them more money. But he has written before that our donations were wasted on Mercs for the political bosses. Still he wants more and threatens to get it from China instead. I'm not sure what to make of it all. I'm afraid my old friend is stressed out. Breath deeply, Aidan, and relax. It's all going to be OK.
rakhee kantaria
May 6th, 2008 5:00amHilarious! Should be called the big fat 5 at mount kenya's safari club!!