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Saturday 22 November 2008

The winners of the political year

This is the text of the remarks that Matthew d’Ancona, editor of The Spectator, delivered at the Spectator Threadneedle Parliamentarian of the Year awards lunch at Claridge’s Hotel.

Yes, the Spectator is careering up the information super-bridleway and this ceremony is being vodcast live on www.spectator.co.uk to fans of British politics all over the globe. So, in the spirit of Terry Wogan at Eurovision, let me take this opportunity to scurry down the fibreoptic cable:

Bonjour, Paris
Guten Tag, Berlin
Hallo, Copenhagen
Goddag, Oslo
Konnyeje wa, Tokyo 
Ashamaa, Mogadishu
Ushe Ushe, Nigeria
O-si-yo to all you Cherokee bloggers.
A big “Dannua” to all those logging on in Micronesia – good luck with the canoes!
And “Aksutik” to all our Innuit political fans in the Arctic and elsewhere – sorry about the climate change, guys.

We truly are one global village today, and it is fitting that we have an audience of several billion to look back at what has been, by any standards, a remarkable year in politics. As Tennyson didn’t quite say: The old order changeth yielding place to – even older.

So much to recall: Alistair Darling’s charisma, an indeterminate number of Eds, almost as many Milibands, a ministry of all the talents. We said goodbye to Tony Blair – for most of the year. We said hello to Gordon Brown – who became the first Vicky Pollard Prime Minister as he wondered whether or not to hold an election: yeah but no but yeah but no. In the end, as is his way, Gordon listened and learned. He listened to his pollsters who told him not to hold an election and learned about inheritance tax from the Tory Party, which is now officially designated as the out-sourced Number Ten policy unit.

We said farewell to Ming Campbell as the Lib Dems continued their glorious tradition of brutal regicide and showed what precisely they mean by a kinder, more gentle society: that is, throwing an elderly gentleman for whom they have no further use out of a very high window.

We also said a different kind of goodbye to our guest of honour – last year’s Politician of the Year – who stepped down from high office at the same time as Mr Blair – whom he had served in no fewer than 437 different Cabinet roles. As Home Secretary, he showed that tee-totallism does not stop you from getting into fights, that the spirit of The Sweeney is not dead, metaphorically hurling substandard officials on to the bonnet of his Cortina, investing the words “not fit for purpose” with new and chilling meaning.

After a Cabinet career of rare distinction, he decided he had had enough of tribalism, verbal violence, and daily headbutting. He quickly changed his mind, however, and became Chairman of Celtic Football Club. There was some controversy when it was announced that the would be accompanied at Parkhead by armed guards. What people failed to appreciate is that the guards were there to protect the Rangers fans in case John became – and I quote – “animated”.

But John it is excellent to see you here today and we thank you for your time.

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