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Me time

Sarah Standing

Wednesday, 23rd April 2008

Sarah Standing falls for the mystifying science of Biontology

Normally I get intensely irritated by mantras such as ‘invest in life’, yet I was intrigued by the website’s claim that if I devoted just one week to my wellbeing, Chenot would give me back my vital energy. A detoxification followed by a retoxification sounded like a win-win recipe.

On arrival I realised that this was going to be no ordinary spa experience. Our room was opulent, apricot-coloured and the curtains were silk-swagged. There was cable TV and two ashtrays on the coffee-table. The view was breathtaking — snow-capped mountains above and the Passirio river thundering through the city below. The marbled reception area was filled with Italian, French and German spa-goers, all of whom were enviably trilingual.

Merano is one of those deeply confusing areas of Italy that was Austrian until 1918, so German is still the chosen language. As I can only speak a sprinkling of schoolgirl French, communication was a problem with the therapists, all of whom spoke fractured English. Having filled in copious questionnaires dealing with medical and emotional history, both India and I decided not to fight the system — to just ‘go with the flow’. We were both put on a Biolight (comically pronounced ‘BO light’) diet which was delicious — über-healthy yet doll-sized portions of food — given daily hydrotherapy baths, mud wraps, hosing-downs, cupping treatments, massages, a mystifying Scientology-type session which consisted of holding metal rods in order to measure one’s energy and a life-counselling session where I was solemnly told I needed to let more ‘hen-ergy’ into my life, take magnesium, have ‘me time’ and learn to dance. I think I may well have missed something in the translation, yet at the end of the week I’d lost 6lb and felt fantastic. India was too young, too thin and too healthy to reap any long-term benefits apart, I suppose, from spending ‘us time’ with her mother, but since returning I’ve included protein with every meal, avoided wheat and slept like a baby. I’ve yet to take up the Tango but my ‘hen-ergy’ levels are still high. Result.