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Saturday 22 November 2008

Holidays: the ninja way

Matthew d’Ancona’s young sons show him a good time in Cyprus

Food: always tricky, especially on holiday, and any parent who claims otherwise is a liar. Yes, you: the smug one sitting in your Robinson & Cornish kitchen, shaking your head, muttering: ‘Well, Cassiopeia always eats her steamed endive.’ No, she doesn’t, you know.

At Le Meridien, they are smart enough to give the adults a serious grown up and often exotic buffet option every night — superb Moroccan, Greek and Indian evenings when I was there — while providing a completely separate selection of child basics in the adjoining Mickey Mouse Club. This lowers the hurdle considerably.

Still, you do need to get them to eat fruit and veg, don’t you? This is where I fell back on spurious ninja knowledge. On day one, as the cucumber and carrots sat unloved on the plates, tapping their watches and wondering whether to order a cab home, I blurted out: ‘Well, all ninja eat lots of fruit and vegetables. No, really. If you want to be a ninja assassin, you have to. To question your ninja master on this involves instant expulsion from the temple. Oh, yes.’ When I looked up, the cucumber and carrots had gone. That’s the wisdom of the orient for you.

Evening ents: it is another obvious lie that children go to bed at the normal time on holiday because they are ‘so exhausted’. Put it another way: would you, if you were seven or five, in a huge pleasure dome? Again, Le Meridien excels itself with a big show every evening: tongue-in-cheek repro versions of Hair, Grease, and Mamma Mia! Intriguingly, the Euro-troupe performing the skits invariably added the French definite article to their productions: Le Hair, Le Grease and so on. As the boys danced around, I wrestled with this mystery. It’s up there with the ironic quotation marks on ‘Fish and Chips’ and ‘Chilli Con Carne’ on the blackboards outside pubs. Why? I would welcome readers’ explanations.

Once a day, we headed off to the bowling alley to hone our tenpin skills. The kids consistently beat me. Again, very successful. Late in the afternoon we would wander down to the beach and look out at the Mediterranean, shimmering in the mellow light. There was usually a breeze to rely on by now, and we swam out, looking for interesting rocks on the seabed.

And the aquarium? Well, see the picture for details. I now think every hotel should have a rock pool in which parents can make fools of themselves, with an observation point for children. It really does seem to touch the spot. The boys took all too many pictures, with which to embarrass me when I am a grown-up.

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