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Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

Wednesday, 22nd August 2007

Great to be back from hols to find the green shoots of Compassionate Conservatism sprouting again, thanks to Mr Redwood’s brilliant report. Well, we always said tax cuts were super-popular and deserved to be top of the agenda — and it turns out we were right!

Tuesday
Happy birthday to me! Lots of yummy presents including a new lilac and pink stable rug and matching headcollar from Mummy and Daddy — just what I wanted!
Quite a few people in the office gave me cards, but nothing from Dave yet. I’ll bet I get a personal message later. Spent morning trying to summon MPs back from hols. No answer from anyone. Unless you count a call from Mr Barker in Wyoming asking me whether I can give him some tips on riding western-style. Said I only ride British, which is true.
Still nothing from Dave. Surely someone must have told him?

Wednesday
Mrs Spelperson is having a terrible panic. Says Gordon is going to call an election any day now and the entire parliamentary party including the shad cab is scattered across the globe from Cannes to Kathmandu. She’s fired off ten memos this week already, everything from instructing MPs to empty their email inboxes to reminding them not to waste loo roll. Wonky Tom says it’s hardly the Unfinished Revolution (whatever that means). But it seems to make her feel better.
Dave’s new slogan — ‘Anarchy in the UK’, apparently it was a song in a 1970s musical called Punk! — is going down a treat. Jed wants to follow it up with ‘Never Mind the B******s, here’s the Manifesto.’ He says it’s how we reach ‘the people out there’. Apparently the ‘people out there’ swear a lot, and need reassurance that we swear a lot too. Heard Nigel singing ‘I am an Antichrist, I am an Activist!’ Very mysterious.
Helped draft report on recent failed infiltration by tabloid hackette. Strange thing is, she seems to have been sitting in my seat while I was away. When I asked why, Poppy went red and said she didn’t know anything about anything, which seems unlikely.

Thursday
Unbelievable! Got an ‘Out of Office’ reply from Dave’s people. ‘This office is now closed for the summer. Your message, entitled “My Birthday”, has been forwarded to a member of the Leader’s staff for consideration upon their return. In the meantime, please visit our website for all the latest compassionate and modern Conservative news.’ Maybe Mrs Spelperson is right to panic.