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Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

Tamzin Lightwater

Wednesday, 3rd September 2008

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Monday
Everyone’s gone Palin crazy! Poppy, Jenny, Lucy and Ellie all came in with their hair teased into frightening up-dos this morning. I might have to go through Mummy’s wardrobe and see if she’s got any hairpieces left over from the Sixties. Must say, I find this Sarah woman deeply scary. I don’t mind that she thinks the earth is flat — this sort of daring new thinking I find quite refreshing. It’s the picture of her sat in an office draped in dead bears and mooses that worries me. I’m as partial to a bit of fox-hunting as the next Tory Girl, but I’ve never much liked staring at the dead bits afterwards. Am starting to worry this makes me a Napper (Not A Proper Republican). On the other hard — is shooting mooses environmentally sound? Or indeed Compassionate? Will seek guidance from Mr Barker. He’ll know whether we are meant to enjoy killing animals or not. In any case, I’m sure I’ll feel more right-wing when I get the hairpiece sorted out.

Tuesday
Major brainstorming session following bad-tempered memo from Jed in Silicon Valley titled ‘Who is our Sarah Palin?’ We’ve drawn up a shortlist but it’s very patchy: Nadine Dorries, Justine Greening, Sayeeda Warsi, Theresa Villiers, Louise Bagshaw, Annunziata Rees-Mogg, Margot James, Esther McVey. Each one of them would need work. They’ve either got the hair or the anti-abortion views but not both. We sent Jed the list but he emailed back to say he cannot believe that’s the best we can do and how can we not have a ‘gun-toting, bible-bashing, red-tape-slashing soccer mom’ in our ranks. ‘Get Tamara to go through the candidates list and find me feisty female headbangers NOW!’ Oh dear. Meanwhile silly Mrs May has let the cat out of the bag on inheritance tax. Gids is on warpath and keeps ringing up to ask whether we’ve found her yet. Am going to have to tell him eventually that she and Mrs Spelperson are sitting on the roof smoking roll-ups, but I think I’ll leave it for a bit.

Wednesday
Up all night but no joy on Lady Headbanger search. Seems we did something silly with candidate selection which meant that all the arch right-wingers got weeded out. We’ve only got Compassionate Centre Right Cameroons. It’s like the Stepford Wives out there. Dave will be furious. Am going to have to go through all the rejection letters in the file marked ‘untouchables’ to see who we can weed back in. There must be someone opinionated who would be happy with a safe seat and a free hairdo for life (please write in and apply if you’re not already on the files — usual terms, no experience necessary). In other news, popped into David Clulow and got myself a lovely little pair of spectacles to perch on the end of my nose. Maybe I should apply for the job of Dave’s Veep myself!

Thursday
Oh dear. There’s been one hell of a mix-up in the night. It all started when Dave in Pakistan texted Jed in California to ask whether Mrs May had come down off the roof yet. Jed in turn texted Gary in London who texted me (in Wibberley). I then texted Mrs Spelperson who unfortunately texted Dave to ask him whether he knew. Everyone is as we speak still texting across time zones I can’t even begin to understand. I wonder how long it will take for them to work out that it’s all my fault...?

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