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Saturday 22 November 2008

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Sunday

Am exhausted already. It’s this earpiece. Every time I get settled into watching a debate or fringe event I hear Gary’s voice shouting orders and I’m running off to some other place where an alleged BCR (Breach of Complacency Rules) is taking place. This morning I ran between the hotel and conference centre five times for a mixture of offences. I had to wrestle buck’s fizz out of the hands of three shadow ministers who will remain nameless — Dave knows who you are! — and a whisky from a shadow cabinet member who claimed it was ‘hair of the dog’. This only proves he broke the rules last night as well, so I chalked him up for two offences. (Which helps me with my BCR targets — vg!)

Then I had to confront an MP openly laughing in the lobby of the Hyatt. I took him aside and read him the rules. He was adamant he had only smirked ironically while talking about Brown and national debt. Gave him a verbal warning to remember his Not Smiling Training and told him he might not be so lucky next time.

Only just got to watch Dave in the hall, sharing the proceeds of Gids’s ideas on the economy. Then Gids chairing a debate with Real People on cream sofas — just like Trisha! Boris passed off peacefully, thank goodness.

Monday

Am having to write this on my BlackBerry so forgive spelling erros. Haven’t stopped all day. Near disaster with Mr Pickles. He was going round telling everyone about Gids’s council tax freeze thinking he’d already announced it.

When I finally caught up with him he was hard at work charming a group of hacks — ‘Don’t talk to me about bloody Tatler. I’ll give ’em obesity,’ etc. When I told him he was a bit ahead of the curve he said: ‘Oh bugger!’ and looked like he was about to cry. This was most satisfactory. I told him: ‘Hold that expression!’

Gids’s speech went OK, apart from the tiniest creases at the corners of his mouth when he delivered his favourite lines. The ‘I Believe...’ bit was a bit risky but luckily Dave so preoccupied with the Death of Capitalism he didn’t notice. When it comes to 2018 it’s clearly going to be between Gids, Boris and Jeremy Hunt, who is practically pounding the streets campaigning already.

V miserable dinner with lot of people predicting the End of Everything. Am going to disconnect earpiece and go to bed before Gary sends me on a late-night champagne flute search-and-destroy mission.

Tuesday

Oh dear. The End of Everything confirmed at early morning strategy meeting. Dave to make statesmanlike speech offering support to Brown and explaining why we must go on with our conference at this time of national crisis. Got his hair just right, v plain but with a tiny little flick going upwards thus signifying both seriousness and hope. Gids dispatched to London to begin talks with the government. Big row between Gary and Dave cos of the Gordon bounce.

Wednesday

V nice man called a Cognitive Behavioural Specialist came to see us this morning. He showed us a PowerPoint presentation consisting of words flashing up on screen like ‘regulation’, ‘rules’, ‘red tape’, interspersed with pictures of meadows and calm seas and tropical islands. Came away feeling wonderfully at peace. Am off to brief Dave’s speech.

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