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Diary of a Notting Hill nobody

Tamzin Lightwater

Wednesday, 5th December 2007

Tamzin's take on the week

The row has reached Wibberley! Busy Bees nursery displaying a Mickey Mouse called Mohammed in its front window. The Happy Hooves riding school has renamed three of its horses Mohammed and Mrs Pargetter has changed the name of the old manor house from Mallard’s Reach to Mohammed’s Reach. Mummy says the oppressed masses are rising up. ‘Let them take us on! The Janjaweed doesn’t frighten Wibberley.’ She’s right of course. You wouldn’t cross Mrs Pargetter even if you had a machete. She’s a member of Conservative Way Forward, for goodness sake.

Tuesday

Sayeeda is diplomatic genius! Even Mr Hague says so. ‘What a very fine idea to send that magnificent young lady to sort out the Sudan. Can we send her to Kosovo this weekend? Hmmmmmmm?’

Dave says it’s beginner’s luck. Personally, I think it’s that trip to Daniel Galvin. It’s amazing what one of those power bobs can do. Have booked an appointment. If they can turn Sayeeda into a peace negotiator, what might they be able to do for me?

Boris’s party tonight! Can’t wait to wow everybody in my Princess Leia outfit.

Wednesday

Ugh. I had not expected that. DD turned up as Han Solo. He said to me: ‘Hey! Let’s fastforward to the bit where Han and Leia finally realise they are in love!’ Tried to hide behind a Wookiee but had to leave early in the end.

Already feeling ghastly this morning when got pulled into Lord A’s office. Utterly terrifying. ‘Tamzin, Tamzin. You don’t look well. What can I do to help? I can do anything, as you know.’ I said if he had an Alka-Seltzer, that might do the trick, but he said: ‘Alka-Seltzer’s for losers, Tamzin. What you need is a new challenge.’

Cut a long story short, he’s put me on ‘Donor Digging’. Have to sit in a room in the basement with all these thin, frightened-looking researchers with haunted faces trawling through the Electoral Register and Companies House records. Everyone sits in complete silence and we only get half an hour for lunch.

Girl next to me called Jenny just turned to me and whispered: ‘You never get out of here, you know. This is the end of the line.’ Then someone at the front shouted ‘Silence! You girls there! Keep digging!’ Am sure Nigel will come and get me out of here soon.

Thursday
Been down here since 8 a.m. digging for five hours solid without so much as a Fair Trade coffee break. Jenny didn’t come in today. Another girl sitting in her seat. Have been told I have till close of play today to come up with a scandal or I’ll ‘go the same way’, wherever that is. Worst thing is, I don’t think they are going to let me go to my hair appointment. It’s like a horrible dream.

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