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Wednesday 23 July 2008

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody

Tamzin's look-back at a tipsy-turvy year for Project Cameron

The modernising continues apace as we apologise for slavery and move from our traditional home above Starbucks to Millbank. Dave gets a lot of stick for taking a plane from Oxford to Hereford. (Good job they didn’t know about the helicopter ride to the airfield!) Plans for a strict flight allowance for holidaymakers causes huge upset and we have to get Dave’s hair cut. While clever, no one could have predicted that the resulting ‘Parting-gate’ row would rage for weeks and see us shoot up in the polls!

APRIL

We outline our vision for a Britain where everyone is civil to each other. Unfortunately there are claims that Gids once rolled a Hungarian count down a hill in a Portaloo, which is not all that civil, although it does put us in touch with the Asbo generation.

Shilpa Shetty and the lead singer from the Arctic Monkeys turn down our entreaties to be mayoral candidate.

And we get our very own TB-GB wars with Dave and Gids arguing like mad behind the scenes. If Jed could only see his way clear to swearing at reporters we would have an Alastair but he won’t do it. Says it disturbs his chakra to blaspheme.

MAY

Poor Mr Willetts has to be locked in the Panic Room with only felt-tip pens after his grammar schools gaffe. Who would have thought that the man with the biggest two brains in Britain could land us in so much mess?

Nevertheless, in voicing our intention to take forward city academies, we have assumed the mantle of Blairism! It is a great responsibility, and we all feel the hand of history on our shoulders. Oh yes.

A terrible mood of sadness descends as Mr Tony leaves office.

Mr Letwin doesn’t help matters by getting all flustered about the Meaning Of Life and making the most incomprehensible speech ever. We put him in the Panic Room, too.

JUNE

With the grammar schools row still rumbling it looks like we may have to sack the entire front bench and remove the whip from most of our MPs. Thankfully a new communications director, former editor Gary, starts work and immediately sets about bringing some much-needed tabloid rigour to Tory operations. FairTrade coffee is banned in favour of station tea and organic mini muffins replaced with iced buns.

The Age of Gordon begins. He isn’t all that good and everyone gets cross that they wound us up for nothing. We all decide to kick back a bit.

JULY

Terrific excitement in Ealing where we are on course to win an historic by-election victory. Unfortunately our campaign chief, Little Mr Shapps, gets carried away. Plans for a herd of elephants to parade down Southall Broadway carrying our candidate Tony Lit have to be cancelled amid animal welfare concerns, and we never regain momentum. Mr Lit doesn’t help himself by joining the Labour party.

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