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Diary of a Notting Hill nobody

Tamzin Lightwater

Wednesday, 30th January 2008

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Our new ‘Lines to Take’ briefing makes clear that there was never any doubt that the very strongest action would be taken, and that this sort of heinous abuse of privilege simply will not be tolerated.

Meanwhile, it’s nice to see the rest of our MPs working especially hard, coming up with all sorts of groundbreaking policy ideas: Mr Prisk and his new proposal to stamp down on rogue talent agencies who stifle the dreams of so many of our country’s bright young X Factor hopefuls. And of course Mr Fabricant and his super new plan to put tea trolleys in the arrival halls of airports. *In association with Waitrose, the supermarket of choice for the compassionate centre-Right shopper! (Must ask Nigel if we need to declare that.)

Wednesday

Am shattered. Operation Del Boy is really taking it out of me. Was up half the night going through Commons register looking for other MPs who might be employing their children. Only found a few so far, thank goodness. Dave concerned our draft memo to be sent to all BlackBerries might be a bit stern. I don’t think so. It only says that if you are employing family members, you better have samples of their DNA on licked envelopes and fingerprints on House of Commons phones.

Also drafting memo on new cycling rules. Basically, helmets to be worn at all times; always stop at pelican crossings (or should this be zebra? I’m not too sure); never go through a red light; never shout rude things at pedestrians; all rules subject to review and not applicable if on urgent business as leader of HM Opposition; party bikes ridden at own risk; sponsorship slogans to be displayed at all times.

Thursday

Oh dear. Local press have been sniffing round looking for evidence of the mouldy Brussels sprouts and red cabbage Dave boasted about in his funny interview in the food magazine. Which means vegetable patch duty for yours truly. I don’t know why it’s always me. Told Nigel, just because I ride horses doesn’t mean I’m an expert on all things covered in mud you know. And where am I supposed to get mouldy Brussels sprouts at this time of year? I’ll have to try Lady B’s farm shop. Still, it gets me out of the office.

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