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Sunday 7 September 2008

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Dear, oh dear. People are so rigid. When we said we were going to keep spending at 2 per cent what we meant was ‘for a bit’. In fact, I seem to remember saying those very words when I briefed the Sun about it at the time. Unfortunately ‘Tories stick to Labour’s spending plans for a couple of weeks, or so, or possibly not’ was too long for a headline.

Gids not happy, but he never is when there’s finessing to be done. He hasn’t put the slightest effort into getting better at U-turns, no matter how often Jed tells him how important they are to Being the Change. He keeps insisting he can’t alter his spending plans because he said he would only change them when Hell froze over. Silly billy. Everyone knows we’ve got to change our spending plans before then. How else are we going to pay for all the lovely tax cuts?!

Suzie sent me back to Lord A’s office, but it’s completely pointless. His people say the packing boxes stay where they are or the deal’s off. Whatever that means.

Wednesday

Big brainstorming session to decide whether to call for the Archbishop to resign. Dave said it would be unprecedented, improper and utterly futile. Jed said it would be ‘totally cool, and down with the kids’. Say what you like about the Archbish, he certainly has started a debate! Daddy says it won’t be long before we have sharia law in Wibberley. Mummy says he’s hysterical, but I’m not so sure. He was right about them putting in speed bumps.

Spent afternoon working up a statement from Mr Hague about Afghanistan. He verballed it to me over the phone and it turned into a warning about the forthcoming ‘puppy harvest’. Oops! Luckily Nigel spotted it just in time.

Thursday

I can tell the Valentine’s card on my desk is from Wonky Tom. It’s got five sets of three kisses, his favourite symmetrical number shape. I suppose it’s this sort of attention to detail which makes him a brilliant researcher.

Suzie insisted I try Lord A’s office again. Nobody guarding the door so I wandered in. He was sitting staring out of the window and started talking to me without even turning round. ‘They shouldn’t ask me to move the boxes, Tamzin. It’s making me unhappy. Do they want me to be unhappy?’ I said I didn’t think so. Then I walked backwards out of the room and fell over the darn things. They really are going to do someone an injury one of these days.

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