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Wednesday 23 July 2008

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Wednesday

So exciting. Finally got to meet Boris’s campaign chief, Brandon Finlay. He’s Australian and just like a character from Neighbours! Told him I hoped he was enjoying his stay in Britain. ‘Enjoying it? What sort of a country has pebbles on its beaches? You sit down for five seconds and get your a*** cut to ribbons.’ I suggested some sort of towel might be in order next time he visits our beautiful British coast. ‘There won’t be a next time, Tamara. No one bruises a Finlay a*** and gets a second bite at the cherry.’

I don’t really mind him calling me Tamara. It’s all part of the straight-talking charm. He told me: ‘We’re gonna win, sweets, cos we’re gonna tell Londoners the truth about Ken. And if that doesn’t scare the holy s*** out of them we’ll tell them a load of other stuff. Which reminds me, take down a memo. Find out a load of other stuff about Ken. Better still, just get on with doing that. I’ve gotta take Boris to have his hair re-ruffled.’

Thursday

Mr Clegg-over on the phone again asking to speak to Dave. Told him I’m under strict orders not to let his calls through unless he can promise the full 18 MPs and none of this ten business. Truth is, we’re not so sure we want him after his disgraceful comments about sex. There really is no room for that sort of thing in the New Modern Conservative party.

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