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Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

Tamzin Lightwater

Wednesday, 16th April 2008

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Wednesday

Gah! A candidate rings to say he’s found a picture of Dave standing in front of a huge Union flag on a housing estate in Essex. Everyone running round like headless chickens. Jed has decided the candidate is trying to blackmail us for more campaign money. ‘He’s bluffing! It’s Photoshopped! Get Gary in my office now! We’re going to need surveillance!’

Put out v stern email circular: ‘Anyone using banned images of Dave in front of flags and/or bunting or near nationalistic symbols of any sort including bulldogs to face deselection and writ. There are perfectly good Approved Images of Leader with inclusive backdrops — smiling children, charmingly eccentric Rastafarians, etc. Please use them.’

Thursday

Silly Mr Clegg on the phone again. How many times do we have to explain to him? It doesn’t matter if he was only a Tory for five minutes at university. It’s still deeply embarrassing, yet another blow to his image, and one more reason why Dave can’t associate with him.

Jed now panicking that we need to do something English. So we’re drawing up plans for an Inclusive and Compassionate Alternative (National) Anthem. My proposal for God Save Our Gracious Dave seemed to go down well: ‘Send Him victorious, modern and glorious...’ Feel quite emotional just thinking about it echoing around the Albert Hall...

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