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Diary of a Notting Hill nobody

Tamzin Lightwater

Wednesday, 23rd April 2008

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Monday
What on earth is wrong with the general public at the moment? Why, according to the so-called opinion polls, do more people like Alistair Darling than Gids? Have they gone mad? Gids is clever, dynamic and handsome, whereas Darling, as Daddy so rightly pointed out at breakfast this morning, looks like a bemused old badger in rimless specs. I mean, for heaven’s sake, what’s not to dislike?

Gids hasn’t taken it at all well. Poppy and I sent him a sympathy card — found the perfect one at Cards Galore, Westminster branch: ‘Sorry your ratings have gone topsy-turvy, Wishing you luck in the next YouGov survey!’

Strangely enough, Dave didn’t seem that bothered. When Mrs Spelperson proposed a vote of commiseration at morning strategy huddle, he just said: ‘Ah well, these things happen eh!’ V odd.

Tuesday
Back on Boris duties. So exciting! There were two big planning sessions today, entitled ‘Scenario One’ and ‘Scenario Two’. I went to ‘One’. It turned out to be a top-secret brainstormer, drawing up certain ‘emergency measures’ in case Boris wins. Campaign chief Brandon gave us a v interesting presentation about how the Bozmeister might be ‘contained’ until 2010, which seemed to involve an awful lot of people forming a circle around him wherever he went. Then there was a third meeting for groups from both sessions, entitled ‘Best Case Scenario’ which went on for ages and was all about whether we actually wanted him to win or not. No one could decide, so we drew up a memo to Jed which said: ‘Mayoral contest internal strategic guidance: What will be will be.’ He’s just had a volcanic stress massage so he should be OK with that.

Wednesday
Oh dear. Jed has decided that Gids’s poll rating was a damning indictment of the public’s continued view of us as rich and out of touch! He says that now Britain is poor and miserable, we need to work harder than ever to ‘Be The Change’. So an email alert is going out to all MPs: ‘Are you having trouble paying the mortgage? Or struggling with gas and electricity bills? If so, don’t keep quiet about it. If you’re bankrupt, bust or just plain broke, it could be a golden opportunity to reconnect with the electorate! See guidance below for placing your financial sob stories in the media.’

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