Diary of a Notting Hill nobody
Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week
Wednesday
The full Boris briefing plans are now in place! Plan A — We reveal just how closely involved Dave was in planning victory, including those brainstorming lasagne suppers in full. Lines to take: Boris is greatest Tory since Churchill. Brandon Finlay, strategic genius, announced as our general election campaign manager and PPC for Henley.
Plan B — We reveal how Dave was sceptical from the start but talked round by a member of his inner circle (to be decided — poor Gids!). Lines to take: Finlay is a right-wing headbanger who will never advise this great party again; Boris appointed head of social justice subcommittee on impact of free bus travel for the elderly.
Thursday
D Day! Jed has ordered in extra muffins and we’re hunkering down for the count. Wish Mr Pickles would stop wandering around fussing and trying to engage me in conversation about his predictions for something called shadow unitary authorities. All I can hear is ‘wah wah wah’. This isn’t about numbers of council seats. It’s about two giants of the political world locking horns in a monumental battle of good versus evil! Unless of course Bozza loses. In which case it’s definitely about numbers of council seats.
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