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Thursday 4 December 2008

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Monday

Shame it leaked out about our Two Plans. Still, now at least I can tell people why I’ve been so busy — working with the Plan B Team!

This is the most important break-out group, because it’s focusing on what happens if We Win Big. The Plan A people have got a better title — but, frankly, what are they actually able to promise? Scrapping stamp duty for first time buyers, offering jobs to leading Blairites like Tessa and Steve, as well as something for poor Mr Clegg, taking Britain out of the EU social chapter. Borrrrring! I told Poppy over hot Swedish meatball wraps it’s no wonder she’s bored out of her mind. I, on the other hand, get to work on all sorts of exciting proposals for the landslide victory plan: scrapping stamp duty on shares, forming a government of all the talents, taking Britain out of the EU social chapter and the ECHR. That’s more like it!

Tuesday

Thank goodness! Our preparations for summer 2010 to include In-House Training. It was starting to keep me awake at night, worrying about running Britain. That and Sesame’s dressage trials.

New beginner courses in ‘How to Run a Government’ with Mr Clarke vg idea. He gave a fascinating talk this afternoon on how much work you can leave to the officials. Which is just the sort of inside information we need.

However, I think it was a mistake to put Mr Maude in charge of the preparations. He makes us preface everything with: ‘In the unlikely event of a Conservative victory...’ This is tedious and makes our plans for government sound like a safety announcement telling passengers what to do if the plane crashes. It really is putting a downer on things. If the Frankster finds any document without this preface, he has to tap the cappuccino machine three times and say ‘Changemakers’ in a special accent — otherwise bad things will happen.

Off to Crewe tomorrow. Hope nobody throws tomatoes at me while I’m wearing my bluebird outfit, or I won’t be able to wear it to watch the Chelsea match.

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