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Diary of a Notting Hill nobody

Tamzin Lightwater

Wednesday, 11th June 2008

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Monday

Fraught morning. Drew the short straw and had to take Mrs Spelperson her camomile tea but couldn’t find her. Looked everywhere. Under the desk, in the filing cabinet. Nowhere. So I couldn’t tick the chart confirming that she had been checked on and given light refreshments. I expect she’s climbed out of the window to go to choir practice again. Dave still furious and says God may forgive her but he certainly won’t. If it was up to him, he would invent a new commandment, Thou Shalt Not Fiddle Thy Commons Expenses, the breaking of which would be eternal damnation and losing the whip. He was raging: ‘What’s the point of Conservative Christian Fellowship do-gooders if they can’t even stay the right side of the fees office?’ Gary said he was sure he didn’t know.

Am keeping my head down. Lot of press briefing to do on Dave’s big push on the family. The line is he would never put politics before his children. We’ve got exclusive new piccies of him with little Arthur looking cute in a blue sun hat to give the story added authenticity.

Tuesday

V exciting! Gary has launched a top level internal inquiry into who framed Mrs Spelperson!! He’s sure it’s an ‘inside job’ and is drawing up a list of chief suspects for surveillance purposes. It’ll be nice for him to dust off his tabloid phone-tapping equipment. Plus, he has asked me to help draw up the list of those who might have a grudge against her. So far, have got ‘all male party members with MEP ambitions, all anti-Europeans and right-wingers, all prospective parliamentary candidates and all those who oppose the Equality Agenda’. That should narrow it down a bit.

Meanwhile DD dangerously overexcited ahead of the terror vote, threatening anyone who dares to question his strategy of ‘not negotiating with socialists’ with his mountaineering axe. Nigel not convinced it’s a good idea to condemn police who support the legislation as stupid and corrupt, but DD insists ‘they love it — it’s big boy’s stuff Nige, you wouldn’t understand.’

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