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Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

Tamzin Lightwater

Wednesday, 25th June 2008

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Monday
Hats off to the Major government — it’s not easy managing sleaze. Putting out endless statements explaining why some MP or other isn’t on the take. The reasons are so complicated. Plus it takes ages to calm them down. They ring in on the Helpline practically hysterical. Had one this morning. ‘Have you any idea how much money I could be fiddling? I haven’t put through a genuinely fraudulent expense claim for two years, and what thanks do I get? My local paper exposing me for claiming an iPod, that’s what. It’s a disgrace! I need that iPod for urgent constituency relaxation business. What’s David going to do about it? Hmm?’ Told him to stay calm and follow the instructions on the Sleaze Management PDF.

Mrs Spelperson is even worse. Spends all her time trying to work out who’s briefing against her. As Gary says, it would be easier if she tried to work out who wasn’t. We’re all at it! But everyone has their own way of doing things, and Mrs S likes to think positively. That’s what makes her such a stalwart. Even if she is totally useless. (Not for much longer, though — if you get my meaning!)

Off to Dave’s press conference on the NHS. He’s going head to head with Miliband on Zimbabwe. This is serious stuff. Fingers crossed until the viewing figures come in...

Tuesday
What on earth has happened to Mr Grieve’s ego? It used to be tiny, now it’s gone all DD-sized. Going around telling everyone he’s a modern-day Sherlock Holmes who solves crimes and single-handedly puts criminals behind bars! Nigel says it’s the curse of shadow home secretaries. Everyone who does the job goes bonkers. Or maybe there’s something in the air in DD’s old office. Pheromones?

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