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Thursday 4 December 2008

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Mind you, it’s jolly useful in a way. He found my Pony Club pencil after just an hour and a half of moving furniture about. It was down the back of the Sleaze filing cabinet. Now everyone’s asking him to find things. We email him details of the lost item and he gets straight onto it. So far he has a 100 per cent clear-up rate. Tom says he’d probably be able to locate a copy of Lord A’s tax return if we dared ask him. But of course we don’t. Some stones are better left unturned.

Wednesday
Bit of trouble transcribing the tape of Mr Hague dictating another action plan for Zimbabwe. My script says: ‘Wan, tell Errrrrobert Mugabe we are really keross with him. Two, tell South Africa we are eeee specially keross with them. Mmmmmm. That’s right. Thurree, pree-pare an international rescue perogramme...’

Asked why all our plans have five points. Mr Hague didn’t seem to know. ‘Mmmmmm? They have f-ive points because that’s how many points they need to have! There is no con…spiracy.’

But Sherwood, our lifestyle guru, said the use of five was arrived at using £100,000 of dial technology focus grouping. I knew it!

Off to Henley for an exciting croquet photo-op with the candidate. Thank goodness this is the last by-election we have to think about. I mean, apart from the very important one in Haltemprice, obviously.

Thursday
Mr Grieve hanging round my desk again, trying to look cool by flicking his hair. ‘See you’ve got your Pony Club pencil in its holder. Probably a good idea. So, do you like my new shoot-to-kill policy on yobs? Exciting stuff eh? Grrrrrr!’ I should never have told him Pret a Manger had named a sandwich after him. It was a terrible mistake. I see that now.

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