Competition

23 May 2009

Lucy Vickery presents the latest competition

In Competition No. 2596 you were invited to submit an alphabet primer designed for children of the Noughties.

A far cry from the piety and moral lessons of primers past, yours were designed for a generation-in-waiting of Heat-reading (J is generally for Jade), debt-ridden (‘Y’s for the Year the economy shrank, Z’s for Zilch that’s in the bank.’: Tim Raikes), violent (K almost always spells knife), illiterate (‘Z is for xenophobia’: Phil Thomas), egocentric (‘M is for me before everyone’: Michael Cregan), appearance-obsessed (B is mostly for botox) technophiles (Facebook, Twitter, etc, etc). While my Asbo reference didn’t exactly set the scene for an uplifting read, I suspect that today’s young are a brighter lot than they are given credit for.

The standard was patchy this week but I liked Jim Davies’s rhyming couplets: ‘C is for credit that lets us have fun days/ D is for daddy who visits on Sundays’).
I reluctantly disqualified Josh Ekroy as his entry was a long way above the word limit. Bill Greenwell is the recipient of this week’s bonus fiver. His fellow winners, also printed below, get £30 each.

A’s Absolutely; B is for Bro;
C’s for Celebs; and D is for D’oh;
E’s for Exclusion; F is for Fit;
G is for Geek; H is Hanging (Howzit);
i is for iTunes, iPhone, and iPod;
J is for Jade, who has gone to see God;
K is for Kick Off (wanting to show bile);
L is for Lardarse; M is for Mobile;
N is for Naughty Step (sit on the stair);
O is for Omigod-that’s-so-not-fair;
P is for Pink, and in Punk’d it’s for punk;
Q is for Q-Tip, R, Random, S, Skunk;
T is for Tight; U is U, meaning ‘You’;
V is for VPL (pants are in view);
W is for Whatever (you know);
X is for X-Box; Y is for Yo;
and Z is for Za (that is, pizza to go).
Bill Greenwell

A is for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, so you probably won’t learn the rest: B for botox, C for CCTV, D for debt, E for e- (as in mail or ticket). F is for the f-word, also feminism, G for gaydar, H for health-and-safety regulations, I for i- (as in pod), J for jihad. K is for KGB, KCMG and cash (as in 700K), L for LGBT (but not BLT), M for megabucks, N for NO (to drugs, unprotected sex and New Labour), O for OTT. P is for PC (various meanings), Q for Queen (still the band, not HM), R for recession, S for spin, T for taxable. U st&s for yrself, V for vegetables (and V-portiones-per-diem), W for weasel and words, X for x- (factor, files, rated), Y for y- (chromosomes, fronts). Z is for Zbigniew Zielonowicz (best plumber in Hounslow).
Brian Murdoch
A is for awesome, B is your bruvva,
C is a chav, D is diss one anuvva.
E is an e-zine, F stands for fly,
G is gr8t, and H is hood (guy).
I is innit, J jam (party/crowd)
K is fr kickin’, L’s laughing out loud.
M is m8, and N is nife,
O’s outa here, P’s porn (or great life).
Q is quality, R are your ’rents,
S is street; T txt (ins and sents)
U is you, while V is vexed,
W’s whatever, X is ex/ex-ed.
Y is YouTube, Z’s really zip.
All change tomorrow; have a good trip.
D.A. Prince

A is for Anorexic Adolescents
B is for Bob the Builder on Big Brother
C is for Celebs caught carrying Cannabis
D is for Dr Who DVD
E is for Ecowarrior
F is for Five-a-day Fruit
G is for Gordon the Grouch
H is for Haniyya in a Hijab
I is for Illegal Immigrants
J is for Job Centre
K is for Knife Crime
L is for Lads and Ladettes
M is for Mobile Muggers
N is for NSPCC
O is for Obesity
P is for Pick’n’mix
Q is for Quadruplets on Quad bikes
R is for Ross and Russell, Rascals
S is for Suicide bombers using Satnav
T is for Tesco Takes over the Town
U is for Uncles (Mum’s boyfriends)
V is for Vertically challenged
W is for Wind farm
X is for Xenophobia
Y is for YouTube
Z is for Zillion Zimbabwean dollars
Virginia Price Evans

A is for Apple, B is for Blackberry
C is for chocolate, created by Cadbury
D is for Dove, E is for Egg
F is for fridge, manufactured by Smeg
G is for Galaxy, H is for Heat
I is for iPod: compact and neat
J is for Jaguar, K’s Kangaroos
L’s Levonelle for the day after, phew!
M is for Minstrel, N is for Nectar
O is for Orange: the brightness projector
P, P, P is for Penguin, Q is for Quaver
R’s for Ribena in various flavours
S is for Sky, T is for Topic
U is Um Bongo; it’s drunk in the tropics
V is for Vans, W’s for Wii
X is for X Factor: tonight — ITV
Y is for yoghurt, like flavoursome Ski
Z is for Zero: it’s Coke Sugar-Free
Celeste Francis

No. 2599: The road not taken
In the Observer’s ‘My Other Life’ column, writers reveal their fantasy job (Margaret Drabble: marine biologist). You are invited to step into the shoes of a well-known writer, past or present, and give their account, in verse or prose, of a career path they might like to have taken (16 lines/150 words maximum). Entries to ‘Competition 2599’ by 4 June or email lucy@spectator.co.uk.